The Vow: Film Review

Turns out, I should have made my own vow.

Well, I did make one, in fact: to not see The Vow after having been subject to its haplessly and hopelessly overly sentimental trailer in many a film during the just-concluded holiday movie season. It looked like a cross between a Lifetime Movie of the Week and the mawkish dreck that Nicholas Sparks is so fond of attaching his name to. Skip it, I told myself, over and over. And over.

But, being the spineless sucker that I am, I broke my promise to myself and wandered into The Vow at the behest of a good friend who promised me it would be worth the admission price. The fact that she picked me up in a Prius with a bumper sticker that said "Team Edward" on it should have sent the sirens blaring in my head.

Turns out that the movie was even worse than I expected it to be; it's not only so cheesy that it should come with a side of tortilla chips and a trans fat warning, but is so utterly replete with every romantic and soap opera cliche you've ever encountered before that you have to wonder if it wasn't pieced together with the rejected storylines from General Hospital. Honestly, writer Abby Kohn, I am wondering that's legitimately how you wrote this, um, story?

By now, you know the premise: a cute, young couple named Paige (Rachel McAdamas) and Leo (Channing Tatum) are living happily in Chicago when they are rear ended by a truck. They survive the accident, but Paige wakes up from her coma unable to remember anything that happened after she and Leo met. She can't even recall getting married.

Leo must then do everything in his power to reignite Paige's memory, which for the sake of this wannabe romance mostly means taking her on a series of charming outings and recreated dates of the past where he gets the females in the audience to squirm with delight at how adorable a gentleman he can be.

He also has to contend with Paige's ex-fiancee, Jeremy (played by Mr. Good Hair and Cheekbones, Scott Speedman). This becomes problematic for more than the obvious reason, especially since it seems Channing Tatum was asked to gain weight for the role. How else do you explain him looking like a slightly less bloated Alec Baldwin in the first half of the movie?

It won't require an ounce of imagination to guess what happens or where the story ends. It won't require any bit of effort to ascertain precisely how Paige and Leo will react to the soap opera circumstances of their life. What it will require is copious amounts of patience and credulity on your part, not only to buy what unfolds on screen, but to wonder how you talked yourself into paying the admission price.

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