What Happened To Jennifer Love Hewitt?!

I still wanna do her.

Dear JLove,

I don't want to do you. I want to be your friend, and not just because I might get to see you naked.

I think we are kindred spirits. Remember how in your song about being naked, you or Meredith Brooks wrote:
"Do you ever feel so deep
"that you speak your mind
"to put others straight to sleep

Yes, yes, too often. And, like you, I wish people would stop looking at my chest. What are breasts but barriers to the heart, to love?

Sincerely,
Remi

P.S. I am not mocking you, even though some might think so. Who cares what people think? Entertainment Weekly said that your album "Amounts to nothing more than a party of five million bland cliches." I agree, that was cheap of them. Who reads EW anyway? You don't, and I will stop reading them as soon as the free subscription is over in March.

P.P.S You are so pretty!

"And, like you, I wish people would stop looking at my chest."

um.....polaroids please!

are they bigger than Ms. JLH's!??!

I can't believe you ignored the meaning of the sentence. Is this is what you read?
"Blah, blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah chest."

You did that on purpose, didn't you? To prove my point?

"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain."

Pay no attention to that man girl behind the curtain comments?

DAMMMMMN you Nooodles!!

um....yes....i think i did miss the point.... c'mon now....it is well documented on this site that all i think about is boobs and naked women.

hmm....who is Noodles...well...clicking on the link we see that you are in Massachusetts and a student. Hmm...well, so I'll take a guess and say that you go to school at like MIT or Harvard. With the name Remi White I've thrown out the thought that you are a Chinese girl at one of those institutions. But am I wrong? British Commonwealth in the USofA....hmm..don't know what I can decipher out of that. Yah Fas....this one is tougher.

It's not harvard, alright. It's suppose to be Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

Yuck, I don't go to Harvard.

I'm sure there's a Tech way of saying "Yuck, I don't go to Harvard," but, alas, I am quite green and very low-tech, as demonstrated by my use of the words "alas," "green" and "low-tech."

Don't you like any mystery? Do you consider a thong mysterious?
I'm guessing that if the first answer is yes, the other one is no, and vise versa.

"Yah Fas….this one is tougher."
Tougher than what? Is there some sort of ratings board that you put commentators on?
Do you have to rate every single female you come across? Even ones you can't see?

I can pretend to be offended. But that might excite you.

"I can pretend to be offended. But that might excite you."
ouch! Where is the love, noods?

I'll pretend that comment was directed entirely towards jackson.

In the meantime, please glance over one of our most cherished entries on the Demands of Love.

Oh yeah, we have a rating section, but we don't really rate visitors just yet.

More evidence of her asianess ===> The nickname 'Noodle.' I'm leaning on SE Asia. 1st generation.

Slowly we'll break it all down.

God we are so sad. Ok, no more messages! Must work, damn it!

Oh yeah, Jax, you get your T yet? Missy got it just yesterday at her work. She apparently has plans to shred it up sometime in the near future. Should be interesting.

First off, hilarious list, noods.
"I didn’t want to see naked pics of Hiromi Oshima until I saw them." haha. You should be thankful b/c not everyone is so fortunate. We actually don't have hiromi nudity except maybe that innocent beach photo which is hardly anything if you've been to any beaches out of the States.

Secondly, please don't take offense in any of this crap. We are just really lame people who contribute to the massive inefficiencies in corporate America. No wonder outsourcing works!!

what the fuck..you will just search on googles and find a celebrity with gorgeous cheek bones "that grow larger as you age" and call them anorexic..get a life bitch..your just pissed cause she's beatiful and has a dynamite body...or you have no life..you are beautiful too..but just cause shes skinny dosnt mean shes anorexic .GET OVER IT..jesus...goes to show you the jealousy stirring when someone looks fantastic

enough of the intellectual masturbation ok noodles? go to a poetry reading .

LoL Lisa!! Great comment!

Noods, it's nice to see that you can remember those lyrics. It's almost worse than Jackson's infatuation w/ Fobbed Out Music.

Jackson, you should do a "Who is Noodle Post?" Make your best predictions by way of reading into her prior comments. I have my own guesses, but I'm going to give the personality building another couple weeks

ok, that didn't sound good.

we here at bastardly like to find out about the type of readers we get....fas has been fairly accurate in the past on figuring out things about our readers...

if we were to rate every single female that came to the site I think we'd get in trouble since we kinda assume that many of the Ashlee Simpson supporters that come to defend her when we rip her on this site are probably within the 11-16 age range listening to Pieces of Me on repeat.

we've determined that our main audience are horny guys that wanna see naked pics of hiromi oshima and witty girls that speak proper english...oh, and the ashlee simpson supporting jailbait.

....i don't consider a thong mysterious but i do like a mystery.

"we’ve determined that our main audience are horny guys that wanna see naked pics of hiromi oshima and witty girls that speak proper english…oh, and the ashlee simpson supporting jailbait."

True. I don't really know what I'm doing here.
1. I'm not a horny guy.
2. I didn't want to see naked pics of Hiromi Oshima until I saw them.
3. If you are calling me witty, I won't pretend not to be excited.
4. If you are accusing me of speaking proper English, then I am accusing myself of attempting to speak proper English effortlessly.
5. (a) I don't mean to write with punctuation and whatnot but I started by accident and if I were to suddenly stop it might be too obvious. (b) We are slaves of our own linguistic pasts.
6. I like to say meaningless things (see No.5b) and like to make meaningless lists.
7. I don't support Ashlee, but I have a soft spot for underdogs, especially when their talent is in question.
8. I tend to write more when I'm feeling vulnerable.

Moe, it is not polite to attempt to "break it all down."
In fact, I think it is forbidden.

Okay. :)

ahahaah. Jackson's eyes filter useless text. You should know that by now.

um....and yes, please pretend to be offended because yeah i am excited?

fas....yeah, i got my t-shirt... i'll be sure to sport it this weekend.....

yo, save an XL for Rome Dawg.....i'm sure he'll be able to fit that.

Noodles, thanks for the list...i guess we have atleast one thing in common, we both don't support Ashlee Simpson...however, I don't have a softspot for the underdogs blah blah blah.... as it has been well documented on the site I think Ashlee is talentless and her father should be castrated for exploiting his daughters for his own economic gain.

Fas...i don't think it's forbidden to "break it all down"..... in fact, "keep it real, home boy! holla!"