People Ratings
Ratings of Beautiful & Ugly people w/ our own rating system. Warning: Not for kids.
Michelle Trachtenberg @ 2009 Crystal Lucy Awards
Monday, June 15th, 2009 while thinking about eating a Bastardly Mercado Certified lunch by Jackson
Photo Credit: bauergriffinonline.comMichelle Trachtenberg was in 17 Again with Cool Hair Zac Efron and has a couple more projects for 2009; Young Americans and Against the Current.
Odalys Garcia - Bastardly People Ratings
Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006 while eating a Bastardly Mercado Certified lunch by Jackson
+7.00 - She's Latina so you know already I'll like her.
+0.50 - She's from Cuba.
+1.00 - She's got some lovely lady lumps
-0.75 - I've never actually seen any of her shows on Univision.
-0.63 - I've not come across any naked pictures of her.
+0.43 - Sings too.
-0.27 - I probably wouldn't be able to understand a word she says.
+0.49 - Sexy calendar that a lot of horny boys are wanking to.
+0.02 - To my knowledge has not dated that tool JC Chasez.
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7.79 - Cuba let a hot one get away.
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Kirsty Gallacher - Bastardly People Ratings
Friday, October 21st, 2005 late in the morning while chugging coffee by Jackson
Thanks Sophia+6.00 - British babes are bloody hot!!!...and could probably pour you a mean spot of tea.
+0.75 - British accent....oooh yeah!!!
+0.63 - Doesn't have fucked up British teeth
+0.81 - Nice rack!!!
+0.28 - Is an avid sports fan.
-0.19 - But a avid sports fan of soccer...I mean, futbol????
+0.49 - Sexy calendar that a lot of Horny British teens are probably wanking-off to right now.
+0.02 - To my knowledge has not dated that tool JC Chasez.
-1.50 - Not Latina.
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7.29 - Queen Elizabeth would be proud of the showing her people have made on The Bastardly.
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Ratings - Jay-Z
Thursday, September 29th, 2005 in the weewizzle hours by Moe
You might think he's kinda ugs, but you have to admit, the guy definitely has got some crazy staying power. Anyway, ever since Michael Jackson, I haven't rated another dude on the site, so here we go!
Oh, before you dive in, please keep in mind that the Bastardly Rating System (BRS) ranges from 1 to 10. 10 being someone we'll eventually see in heaven (fingers crossed) & a rating of 1 (God forbid) being Michael Jackson after he gets into the boxing ring w/ Mike Tyson. Ok, here goes nothing.
* + 3.45 - Mr. Z is a pimp, so for his sheer pimpness, he earns around 3 points, but other than that he's probably one of the most unattractive mofos in the entertainment biz. He's not just the most unattractive, but he's the most unattractive brotha rockin' the hottest booty in the biz. He is the quintessential example of how a man with money, power & status can get any booty his heart desires.
* - 1.50 - He looks like Beatlejuice (guy made famous on Howard Stern).
* - 0.25 - He also looks like Dr. Dre. Dre isn't has bad as Beatlejuice, but still bad, nonetheless.
* + 2.00 - Getting a piece of Beyonce in her prime. Amazing.
* + 1.00 - Not Michael Jackson scary
* + 0.50 - Pimp (persona)
* - 0.25 - Nose & lips. It's not his fault really, but we if he can trim these babies down a few inches, it'll do wonders for him.
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* + 4.95 TOTAL - Relative to those previously rated, he's better looking than: Asslee, Lisa Marie, Michael Jackson, Macy Gray, & Kimberly Locke, so Jay Z's doing pretty good for himself.
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Ratings: Jaymee Ong
Tuesday, January 18th, 2005 around evening with martini & women in hand by Jackson
+7.50 - She's 1/2 Australian and 1/2 CHINESE!!! Oh baby!!! Ni Hao Ma? G'day mate?
+0.27 - Listening to that Australian accent spoken from such a fine piece of Chinese yumminess!!! Oooohhhhwwweeee!!!!!!!
+1.00 - The parents would be much happier with me bringing her home instead of my Colombian fantasies. She speaks fluent Chinese!!!!
-0.88 - Breastsessess!??!?!!?
-0.41 - I'm pissed b/c I can't find any of the movies she's worked on since Rave Fever even though imdb.com says they exist!
+0.27 - How can you not be mesmerized by those eyes????
-0.17 - Doesn't keep hair long all the time as we bastardly folks like it that way...
-0.13 - Posibbly even skinnier than Paris Hilton.
-0.11 - Most recent thing I've seen of her is those shots of her from the show Las Vegas.
+0.04 - Still has the potential to make it in Hollywood.
-0.09 - To my knowledge there are no nude pics whatsoever of her tastiness.... no Playboy.
-0.06 - Unknown about current marital status...
+0.08 - To my knowledge has not dated that tool JC Chasez.
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7.31 - Total Score
So what if I'm bias towards these 1/2 Chinese beauties! I'm the one writing this so screw you all! Anyways...so she's 1/2 Chinese, speaks with the Australian accent, and speaks fluent Chinese too! Relatively unknown amongst the masses but she's what wet dreams are made of for Chinese boys. Mom and Dad...I'm going to make you proud bring home a girl just like this!!!
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Ratings - Moran Atias
Saturday, January 8th, 2005 late in the whored-out afternoon while still at work by Moe
+ 7.60 - She is pretty much the hottest Jew I've ever set my eyes on. Natalie Portman has nothing on Moran, baby.
+ 0.75 - Overall body is so full & begging to be cupped, held & caressed! Damn Adrian Mutu & Flavio Briator for getting Ms. Atias in her prime!
+ 0.05 - For her decision to immigrate from Israel to Italy. Why bother with the useless politics of the region when you can live the life of money, sex, fame & even more money?!
- 0.50 - Since she's a Jew by birth, Moran's backstabber rating is unfortunately pretty high. Then again, being stabbed in the back by this hottie might not be that bad...
+ 0.25 - Being a Jew & having an natural affinity toward money is positive in that she will sleep with rich & powerful men in a heartbeat. So this goes out to all you little kids who are slacking off in school & in life. Study hard, graduate from big colleges, and earn tons of money b/c beauty, whether she likes it or not, always follows money & fame! Ok-ok 95% of the time.
+ 0.07 - Lips. Oh my. So full. So even.
+ 0.03 - In a powerhouse lineup that includes Jackie Guerrido, Angelina Jolie & Moran Atias, I would actually have to think for a minute or two before running to the woman of my choice. Bonus points for this added confusion.
+ 0.05 - Rumors are circulating that she might have bi-sexual intentions!! Talk about a Godsend.
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8.25 - Wow. Some of you might disagree, but Moran's rare 8+ score is well deserved. I guess her only flaw is the fact that she's Jewish. haha.
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Ratings - Melissa Theuriau
Friday, December 24th, 2004 in the weewizzle hours by Moe
From Iraq to sports! She does it all, baby!
+ 7.20 - She's no Jackie Guerrido; hair could be longer; and head larger
- 0.25 - Since she's of European breed, she might have body hair in weird places [i.e.
armpits, bush-potential]
- 0.35 - Deduction for me having to write the last line and losing readers
+ 0.15 - She probably tans in the nude on the French Mediterranean. [Damn all rich, Jewish men!!]
- 0.08 - No boobies! But modern medicine can always solve this problem. Also, she's fairly petite and doesn't require huge knockers, so the deduction is not too severe.
- 0.13 - Her skull structure is too small & forces her to look too young in some photos.
+ 0.45 - She's in the media industry so that means she'll sleep around to get to the top! [Once again, damn all rich, Jewish media moguls!]
- 0.10 - Too much damn makeup in some photos. Cakey levels!
+ 0.25 - For that paralyzing sexy voice [listen to a sample news report]! I never knew 'George Bush' & 'Iraq' could sound so sexy!!
+ 0.15 - She'd look super hot with a bikini & a surfboard in hand.
+ 0.08 - Lips appear very deeelish.
+ 0.05 - I know other people are probably responsible for her clothes, but I think her style is excellent.
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7.27 - Strong showing from a French!
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Ratings: Brenda Lowe
Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004 in the weewizzle hours by Jackson
+7.00 - Ai Mamacita! Ni Hao Ma?
+1.00- She's half Chinese!!!!
+0.10 - Single ( According to the official website of the Miami Dolphins).
-0.55 - She got the Asian-sized breastsessess.
-0.23 - Don't know if she has a boater accent or sexy spanish accent.
-0.07 - Dolphins suck nuts! (Go Packers!)
-0.24- Haven't actually seen her on tv in action.
+0.50 - Won Senorita Republica Deportiva 2004 (Courtesy of Univision website).
-0.15 - I have no idea what that is.
-0.03 - Can't read any of that info on the Univision website.
-0.25 - Career goal is not to pose for Playboy or be an actress that does nude scenes.
+0.10 - Long hair to grab onto.
+0.03 - To my knowledge has not dated that tool JC Chasez.
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7.21 - Total Score
She's half Bolivian and HALF CHINESE!!! Now I'll have to admit there are a couple of Seagals that are pretty fine...but goodness, Holmgren should go out and sign this chick to a contract!
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Ratings: Jackie Guerrido
Saturday, December 18th, 2004 after a late four martini lunch by Jackson
+ 7.00 - Ai Mamacita! Mi Amor!!!
+1.00 - Look at those breastsessess!!!!!!!!!
+0.10 - She's from Puerto Rico.
+0.50 - Not married.
-0.20 - Has 2 kids.
-0.10 - Can't find any websites about her in English.
-0.12 - Can't find any nude pics or atleast a nip slip.
-0.07 - I wouldn't be able to understand a word she says.
+0.20 - The Spanish accent.....oooohhhhwwweee!!!!
-0.04 - I have to wake up at 7am to catch her on Univision.
-0.01 - Forcing me to actually have to watch Univision.
+0.07 - Sexiest weather report ever!
-0.01 - No confirmation that those amazing breastsessess are real.
-0.12 - Don't know about possible Playboy pictoral (Jackie, you can
get points back on this one!)
+0.03 - To my knowledge has not dated that tool JC Chasez.
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8.23 - Total Score
She's a Latina, she has an amazing rack, and she could read me the Encyclopedia Britannica - Volume Q and I'd get off on that.
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Ratings: Eva Longoria
Sunday, October 31st, 2004 in the middle of the damn afternoon by Moe
+ 7.25 - 100% All Latina Juice!
+ 0.10 - Not afraid to wear a "Mexicana" T-shirt
- 0.75 - Currently dating JC Chasez (a la N-bloody-Sync!)
+ 0.18 - The sexy Teri Hatcher is her co-star
- 0.40 - Small boobs & not willing to upgrade a little
+ 0.25 - Will never look like 'Lil Kim or Michael Jackson (against plas. sur.)
+ 0.35 - Long, black, flowing hair to grab on to!
+ 0.20 - She looks a little Indian
+ 0.50 - She might be in Playboy (see below for more info)
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7.68 - She is dark, sexy & smart, ok, but what the hell is she going to accomplish by dating JC CHASEZ!
We all know Jessica "lop-sided boobs" Simpson slept around in order to top Maxim's Hot 100 list for 2004. Irregardless, our 2nd favorite housewife, the 29 year old hot jalapeño pepper, Eva Longoria, has made strides & hit up #91! Along with Maxim, she also made People en Espanol’s “25 Most Beautiful People” for 2003. Seeing as to how she represents one of the most sexiest races on planet Earth, she has to be a little proud. Congrats to her.
Eva Longoria is a well-read woman who has her facts down. She's a closet feminist. She's absolutely stunning. But her most precious attribute that spews out of her: she's Latina! All those elements are equally sexy & b/c of her determination for success, I cannot see her fail in Hollywood.
