Bastardly Halloween Costumes: Keanu Reeves

Is he doing a remake of Helter Skelter and he got the roll of Charlie or has he been living in the mountains with no mirrors or utilities? Either way this is not a good look for him. Then again, I don't know when I've ever seen him look good? Well, maybe that's a stretch, he has looked good before but as soon as he talks you suddenly think he's ugly...DUDE!

Oh I LOVE Keanu--when he's cleaned up. Which lately is, like......never! Oh well.
"Whoa. Dude. Shave that face!"

He needs to put down the chicken leg and hit the gym.

This picture is 3 years old. GET OFF MY KEANU! I love him unconditionally! ;)

Everybody realizes this is just the beginning of Keanu's physical deterioration, right? Not unlike Howard Hughes and others before him, Keanu skeeve-factor is just getting started. Enjoy Keanu now, ladies... Trust me, in the not too distant future, we'll look back at these photos fondly, remembering the good old days when Keanue was probably in the general vicinity of a bar of soap in, say, the past 2 weeks or so.

Those shoes are actually very stylish Cynthia. Since you saw them last 20 years ago, I can only assume you are at an age where fashion passes you by.

He does need to shave but I can be forgiving to someone who is undeniably beautiful underneath. Remember Speed? Oh my.

Oh...SPEED! MMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!! I own that DVD, and watch it anytime I need a Keanu fix! MMMMMM!
Yes, Girl, I am old. I admit it. But even when I wasn't old, I never knew anything about fashion. Never will. And I've never liked thos stupid shoes. I had a friend in high school (back in the stone age) who always wore them. They didn't look good on her either! But they are stylish, eh?

That beard looks painfully like a Brillo pad. Does anybody remember those?

A good friend of mine invented the Brillo pad one day back in, I think it was 1878.....before those shoes were around.

Oh Cynthia aren't you just hillarious.

If you've never known anything about fashion why comment? Why judge, my elderly friend?

Cynthia...YOU LIAR...my friend...a caveman invented those shoes! He made them from skinning a dinosaur!

Wow you ladies are funny with your age jokes. So on a serious note, how old are you, really? I'm guessing Tammy's around 32, and Cynthia... 39?

You are very close on mine...I will be 34 next month. Cynthia is my friend but I honestly can't remember her exact age for my life right now. I will say she is a little older then I am, but she looks alot younger then she really is.

I am exactly 2 months and one day younger than the love of my life (I wish!) Keanu.

Keanu is Keanu. You have to love him for who he is.
Clean, scruffy, dirty, any way at all!!!!

Isn't it amazing how he never looks like he's ageing? When he's all shaved up he looks like he did in his Bill and Ted days. Him and Dick Clark must have found the same fountain of youth. He is handsome. I just hate how he talks. I wish he'd lose the beard too.

Hmmmmmmmmmm, I love it when he shocks everyone like that. Good for him, he doesn't care what anyone thinks and just is. I defenitely can relay to that, hahaha. Who cares!!!!!!

I love this look.
and I don't care what shoes he wears, hell I miss the taped ones.
for me, this is the look that does it for me.

Hot.

What? I'm kinda a fan of the whole hobo look.....

I HATE those shoes!!! But I´ll always consider him handsome whatever he does to himself. I love scruffy look.It suits him.

I honestly think he does this to take attention AWAY from his good looks. He is so un-Hollywood. Definitely not a camera whore. One more reason to love him. And I will gladly be the fan to rescue him, Icy! MMMMM! (yeah, the taped up shoes were better!)

From a European point of view Keanu Reeves finally starts to look like an actor - not a baby boy. With his use of language he would be a stunning Macbeth. His development is positive. Thus there is no need to raise eyebrows at his appearance...

looking freakin hot as hell to me...

This picture is not 3 threes old. It was taken recently, October of 2005 in London.

I'm from Iraq, my English isn't very good so I hope you understand what I wrote. I guess I'm Keanu's biggest fan. I love him no matter how he looks, and I wanna say that I respect those who still like him this way. And for all the others if you were Keanu's real fans you would've knew that he once said in one of his interviews he doesn't care about the others' opinions, and he always do the things that make him happy and comfortable.

Sunji, I love the guy too! I never thought you were being immature. Just so everyone knows I said I love the name Arya becuase that name was picked out of the same book as my name Daenerys. I didnt notice right away, I am assuming Arya is a big George Martin Fan like me.

No they definately are not a couple or ever were, I dont know where that strange rumour came from but I read that is was never true and that Keanu has been spotted with a hot model.

Daenerys- wasn't anything to do with you. You just type faster than me. I meant my second as a p.s. to my first. I just didn't get it out there quickly enough.
As for the Diane/& hot model-I'm sure that's all just PR as I am waiting for him to knock on MY door any day now. (Oh-the fantasy life is a good one!) :)

I know I just saw Constantine last weekend and if I loved him before I adore him now. I love that movie, and it wouldnt have been as good without him in it. He has grown so much since Bill and Ted's excellent Adventure (I love those movies giggle)

Blah blah fucking blah

As long as he's happy--that's all that matters. K's beauty is more inner.

“Phoenix Rising�

Volume 1

Dedicated with love to River Phoenix

By Vivian Taube

Introduction

I wrote this epic poem in the spring of 2004, after going on the so-called “Hollywood retreat� at Deer Park Monastery, in March of that year. I had just “learned� that River Phoenix’s autopsy was signed on the exact day I got into sobriety, November 15th, 1993. Other things had happened that day, too, that made me feel this was “no coincidence� for me. In fact, the more time goes on, the more I feel November 15th has a “magical quality.� But nothing compared, really, to finding out about River Phoenix’s autopsy, since it was signed on exactly that day.
The night after the retreat, I was staying in the Bayside Hotel in Santa Monica, California, on my long way home to the San Francisco Bay area, and this poem began to come to me. I initially thought it’d be about three verses, about this “latest discovery,� this “coincidence� that wasn’t any, about November 15th. But I felt like River’s spirit literally became a river flowing through me, and I didn’t stop writing for four months, after 23 volumes of poetry! I have never experienced anything like it, as a writer, before or since. The process of writing made me happy and largely alleviated a depression that was suicidal for me—I feel as if his spirit was doing that for me. About halfway through this process, he came to me, in a vision and “bid� me to “live on� for him, in spirit, as he stood beneath a shade tree on the family ranch in Micanopy, and I agreed. I later learned that his nephew, Indiana August Affleck, was being born to his youngest sister Summer Phoenix and Casey, who only quite recently married her, about the time Indiana turned one--at the time of this particular “update,� September 4, 2005. His brother, Ben, also recently married Jennifer Garner, in his fourth engagement—his first being to Gwyneth Paltrow, then two to Jennifer Lopez, the second ending when he took Christian Slater to a strip club in Vancouver. Slater's wife Ryan Haddon then slashed his face at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas—where John Entwistle died of a heart attack exacerbated by cocaine on the eve of The Who’s reunion tour, the year prior—and the second broken engagement cost Lopez a million dollars! She married Marc Anthony, who moved in, right away. Garner is pregnant, by the way and due in November, "ironically." Ben needs to be sober, still, after all these years, as do the rest of the Afflecks.
In fact, my "partial list" of likely candidates for this include Depp, John Phoenix (River's and Joaquin's father), the Afflecks, everyone on "My Own Private Idaho," as cast and crew did drugs to do the sex scenes, Slater, Brad Pitt, Axl Rose, Keifer Sutherland, Matt Dillon, and Russell Crowe, to say the least. Christian was just arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct on May 31st, this year, which was Indiana's first birthday, and Slater had "taken over" for River in at least one movie, “Interview with a Vampire,� and gave her fee to River’s environmental cause, after his OD. Russell was arrested near then, for attacking a hotel employee with a phone, too, also intoxicated—he is being charged with a felony. I’d like to state my opinion on this case, and that I feel he should be made to go to rehab, as Joaquin did, recently—and perhaps the judge would be more lenient! He was with Joaquin in the film which won Joaq an Oscar nomination, "Gladiator," which I did see, and it’s “too violent� for me! And, as we know, Brad was involved with Angelina Jolie, thus ruining his first marriage to Jennifer Aniston, recently—and he even profited off a photo shoot with Jolie where they were depicted with a little family, not to mention “Mr. And Mrs. Smith,� which is “too graphic� for me.
Last year, I began to contact people all about November 15, 1993, and what it means to me, via email and hand-written letters—and two calls, long distance, to River’s agent, Iris Burton, who hung up on me, twice, Mother’s Day, when I expected her to be “happy� for me, regarding my sobriety as of River’s autopsy date. I don’t want to be “hard� on her, however, as she said she has cancer, and I have sympathy for her.
However, I did not type up much of the poetry, except the first several pages, on September 2, 2004, which was Keanu Reeves’ 40th birthday—I felt this was “fitting,� somehow. I think this is now “embarrassing,� since I don’t believe he cares that much that I’m sober as of River’s autopsy date, or if he and Warner Brothers do, where I wrote him, last year, they just “use� it, but don’t “heed� what it means. However, a “significant� factor I did not start to type up more until a friend I met on-line named Julia Hübner from Germany repeatedly encouraged me to do so, even including the first “small� piece in a tribute to River she self-published, this year. She wants to be a revision of it, and one for Joaquin, too, but I guess I wrote a short one, already! Julia had collected letters for Joaquin on-line, when he was in rehab, and he’d signed her guestbook, too, apparently!
Perhaps the best thing to come of this experience so far is that Joaquin Phoenix entered a rehab in April of 2005—after I’d written the family, via his father’s restaurant and cabins in Montezuma, Costa Rica, which River had bought for him after he began to make money in the movies in the 80s. Whenever I tried to write his mother, Arlyn Phoenix, via the family ranch in Micanopy, Florida, the postmaster would send things back to me—the last time, last year, taking three months to return a pretty piece of stationery!
What is more is that Johnny Depp gave his share of The Viper Room, 51 percent, to Amanda Fox, Anthony Fox’s teenage daughter, who “survived� him, after he “disappeared mysteriously,� around Christmas, 2001, once he’d sued Depp for money! He’d been his partner in the club in recent years, but I believe that Chuck E. Weiss had been, when River OD’ed on Halloween in 1993!
And Rain Phoenix spoke for the first time on the Criterion Collection edition of “My Own Private Idaho,� in conversation with Laurie Parker, the film’s producer, recorded in September of 2004. I’m proud of her, only they didn’t mention the drugs cast and crew did to do the sex scenes, from which River never did recover, obviously. Also Rodney Harvey, who played Gary in the movie, OD’ed in 1998, and this wasn’t mentioned, either! Neither was Bob Pitchlynn's death, on New Year's Eve, 1999, if I'm not mistaken. He played Walt in the movie and the character of Bob Pigeon was loosely based on him.
As I wrote before, I emailed Keanu Reeves, via the Warner Brothers’ website, all about November 15, 1993, and in his latest movie, “Constantine,� for that company, they seem to have loosely based characters, played by Rachel Weisz, on me, since, for one, she bears some physical resemblance to me and has a Jewish name, “like� me. Also, in it, she is “saved� by the Virgin Mary, in one scene, and Catholicism and suicidal tendencies are part of the story! No one has paid or even consulted me—and I would not have given my permission to “use� my November 15th story, since the movie is “too graphic,� and Keanu, as Constantine, smokes, drinks, does movie kung fu, has sex scenes, and curses, throughout the film—and his blood sister Kim Reeves has battled leukemia for years!
Also, Keanu's had many DUIs, including one in the 80s, in Topanga Canyon, where he "lost his spleen," according to "Hardball" directors' commentary, when he shut off his motorcycle's headlights! And Erwin Stoff, his manager of many years, acknowledged it was removed, in a documentary. I didn’t know you could live without one of those!
What is more is that when I posted long pieces about everything at the site for a band, Becky, which Keanu has played bass in, everything was deleted, and I was “banned� from posting further, amid insults, when I put that Johnny Depp is in the mob and needs to leave! I also feel that he should be indicted for mob crimes, but who will listen to me? My fear is that he will not want to hear this from me, but I am trying not to care and be brave and “speak� my feelings here. This happened twice to me at that site, since I posted parts of this poetry and another long piece I wrote, "Saving Joaquin," there, recently--about 50 pages, total. That makes me feel that the band is probably mob-related, as well, but we’ll see! I have since emailed the LAPD and the Justice Department, even Bush and Cheney, repeatedly—I even called the LAPD, long distance—to “no avail.� They get "evasive," when I mention that Depp is in the mob, asking me who River was and what the Viper Room is, and this is "unacceptable" to me. However, I feel like I should “go easy� on Becky, since they are suffering, no doubt, financially, without Keanu playing! I have heard Alex Winter, who was in the “Bill and Ted� movies with Keanu in the 80s and early 90s, said that this was “unusual,� in that the women who’d come would cluster near the side of the stage where Keanu was playing his guitar, and I’m sure it was “funny!� I’m sorry I missed that—if anybody has it on video, I’d like to see, because his bar band days may be over, “because of� me!
Keanu had left the band, shortly before the first time I did this, telling the press that he “can’t� tour and record, as it wants to. It had played at The Viper Room, unbelievably, until I “warned� them all not to, via its lead guitarist, Paulie Kosta, on-line. A judge had been trying to shut it down, as well as Arlyn Phoenix, undoubtedly! I wrote him that I didn’t want him to leave the band, and last I read at the website for Becky he did go into the studio to record nine tracks with the band—however, he is not listed with the others in the “permanent� line-up, anymore. Other sites that “ban� my writing are IMDB, which name Johnny Depp, according the CNN, the most popular actor of our time, and also Keanuweb, which I “flooded� with email, at one time, and recently banned my postings about my sobriety, which I doubt the webmaster is in! He has not given any indication of stopping drinking—and smoking—which is necessary, but he did recently attend Robert Downey, Jr.’s wedding to Susan Levin, and she apparently got him sober, after many years of drinking and drugging. He’s also taking part in the Katrina hurricane relief effort, by auctioning a “date� on-line with Winona Ryder, for their “A Scanner Darkly� premiere, but I can’t afford to bid, and I wouldn’t pay for that anyway, I don’t think.
A further “irony� about Reeves is that when I began to undergo a series of healings—starting with a soul retrieval—led by a shaman named Lenore Norrgard, I have begun to feel some “relief� from an age-old case of post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, though I’d experience other healings over the years, such as River’s spirit lifting the worst my suicidal depression last year. And “Constantine,� which came out earlier this year, is loosely based on this sort of healing, which doesn’t include movie kung fu, cursing, cross-shaped guns, electric chairs, etc. I don’t want to give him too much “credit� about this, but it’s an “irony.� To be honest about this process, I was referred to Sandra Ingerman, who trained Lenore, last November, at a hypnotherapy center in San Rafael called Positive Changes, so I was heading that way anyway, long before “Constantine� came out this year!
Lenore and I began the soul retrieval process on March 29th, this year, which was the 16th anniversary of the Oscar ceremony where River nearly won Best Supporting Actor for “Running on Empty�—and the first anniversary of the day I picked up his autopsy from the coroner’s office in LA, personally, “coincidentally.� We thought that this was an “auspicious� date for me, and I even have begun to shamanic journey on my own with her guiding me. This might be my actual "calling" to seek enlightenment as of the moment the first plane struck on September 11th, 2001, or part of it.
It is my sincere hope that the people associated with River Phoenix—whether blood relation or mere “friend�—get the help they so desperately need, as I have—at least as far as my being in sobriety is concerned—before it is “too late!� And I hope my writing has “inspired� some people to do that, already, as it may have Joaquin Phoenix, of whom I am very proud, to say the least. He too became a “muse� to me, this spring, when I wrote a poem 50 pages long or so, “Saving Joaquin,� but nothing compares to “Phoenix Rising!�
To be honest, I cannot believe how hard people have been on me, because of my revelations about River Phoenix—the healings I attribute to his spirit, and this poetry. If more were sober because of River’s OD, I might not have had this problem, for one. But more than that, the “innocence� of this poetry, the “fresh� voice I had the here doesn’t reflect the hardships of my telling people or trying to, over the past year. In recovery meetings, too, people have been hard on me. My own parents “don’t get it� for me, and that “disheartens� me! Yet, I feel compelled to “honor� this poetry, for River—and me! I cannot believe how “used� I’ve ended up feeling, too, like people don’t care about me, just my story, and they “don’t get� its meaning! They make millions of it in Hollywood, for instance, repeatedly. Warner Brothers made over a quarter of a billion dollars off “Constantine,� this year, including home viewing and the game I haven’t seen—though I did pay to see the movie in a theater, no less, after my mother wrote me—!�—and I am in debt more than I can pay, presently. Recently, Keanu was quoted as saying that the studio didn’t think the $130 million profit was “enough� to make a sequel he’d like to be in. And since I wrote Warner Brothers about everything, going so far as to “complain,� repeatedly at Marine World, which is a subsidiary, maybe the bosses are listening to me, finally! The Path of Neo video game will be released on November 15th, this year by Atari, “ironically!� How fair is that to me?
Most recently, I learned that the birthday of artist Shauna Redford—Bob’s and Lola’s first born, I believe, though they did have a child who died in infancy—is also November 15, 1960! How is that for “kismet?�

I’ve come to feel
I’m River’s “liver�—
I live because of River, for River—
that he “lives on� through me—
because he cannot live on, himself, you see,
except through others, like you and me.

I was afraid that this poem would offend somebody,
but then, it emerged anyway, for me.

I hate to think what my liver looks like, in sobriety.

The day he was autopsied was the first day of my sobriety,
November 15th, 1993—
reading this gave my sobriety date more solidity.
It’s also the Founder’s Day at the Stift Klosterneuburg,
outside Vienna, Austria—
the day the Margrav Leopold III died in 1136,
after he got a vision of the Virgin Mary,
where his wife’s wedding veil lay intact, nine years
after it blew off her face—
and he built the monastery—
near which I had my first drink at age 12 in 1973,
out with my parents at a new wine tavern—
a Heuriger—
do you believe me?

An “irony�
is that it has a winery,
unbelievably—
the website carries
a picture of a casket that people
slide down on November 15th,
every year—
I’m sure the Virgin Mary
would not be happy,
frankly.

I “found out� about all this regarding November 15th
on my return trip there—
the first in 28 years,
to revisit my father’s hometown—
and my Uncle Felix’s too.

I was stuck abroad after the terrorist attacks
of September 11th,
as my flights home via London
on Virgin Atlantic and British Airways
were canceled on the 14th.

I’ve also found out, more recently,
that November 15th was my Ömi WauWau’s,
my grandmother’s,
Leopoldina Janacek Taube’s,
(or as her friends called her, for short, Poldi’s),
Name Day—
she was named for the Margrav, indirectly—
who was later made a saint—
as many children were,
at the turn of the century!
My father told me,
on my last visit to my parents,
where they live, outside DC.

I overdosed twice myself in 93,
on lithium eskalith,
prescribed to me,
for a nervous breakdown I had in the 80s,
when a friend named Joseph Duell killed himself,
by jumping from his fifth-story window in New York City—
I was still drinking then, too, you see,
and the bottle said not to, clearly!

River’s death must have had an effect on me—
only I didn’t know this about his autopsy
for another ten years—
because I’d blocked him out of my memory
almost entirely—
his face, his films, his body, his beauty.
“He looked like Keanu Reeves, didn’t he?�
I’d say this, at one time, not so long ago,
if you’d have asked me.

“And what about his movies?
Were there any I did see?�
Yes, three, actually—
now that I read his filmography—
One was “I Love You to Death,� with Kevin Kline—
wasn’t he
“in� my nervous breakdown before he
married Phoebe?

All I could remember was River lying on the sidewalk outside a club,
dying of a OD—
the Viper Room,
owned by Johnny Depp in LA—
and they didn’t close the club?
only for a few days, at the time,
but not permanently.
Is he still drinking?
Unbelievably, apparently,
considering it’s very necessary
for him, as well as me, to be in sobriety—
he has a steady girlfriend, Vanessa Paradis,
who bore him two small children—
yet he still hasn’t married her, has he?
I've read he said they don't "need" to marry—
but how does she feel?
Does she want to marry?
Does she want him sober, as he needs to be?

I consider him to be “pivotal� to this story—
as are Gus Van Sant and John Phoenix, actually—
since it is irresponsible for him to carry on the way he is, year after year,
smoking, cursing, and partying—
didn’t he tell the press he recently “didn’t know� what recreational drinking
was, everybody?—
and he’s a father, too, obviously.

Hunter Thompson has killed himself in his own kitchen with a gun, for one.
Didn’t Depp play him in a movie,
“Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas�—
and he didn’t stop drinking?

How many times has he been arrested for conduct drunk and disorderly—
at the Mark Hotel in New York City,
a year after River OD’ed, “incidentally,�
was one of many—
Roger Daltrey had him evicted, when he
trashed the presidential suite
where Kate Moss was residing
with him, at the time, and he’s not in sobriety?
He was arrested that night, but he didn’t get a court order to be?

And Winona Ryder went into a psychiatric hospital the year River OD’ed—
and she and Johnny finally
broke off their engagement, but she didn’t get sober, did she?
Does she need to be?
I figure with a man like Depp as a fiancee,
considering,
probably—no offense, everybody!

Didn’t Warner Brothers and Plan B
release “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory�
on July 15th, this year,
the day after my 44th birthday, “ironically,�
“knowing� about me, since I’d emailed
Keanu Reeves at its site, all about November 15th, last year—
and that’s “not fair� to me!
to “use� my actual birthday in a story
about a boy in poverty,
who wins a “golden ticket� in a chocolate impresario’s contest,
starring Johnny D.,
as his friends call him, apparently,
when he’s not in sobriety,
“because of� River, like me!
And I seemed to have been about the only one, until recently!

I went to Marine World,
not visited my parents in the DC area,
for my birthday, this year—
all by myself, too, no less—
since they didn’t “invite� me—
my brother is “invited,� regularly,
and he used to “enable� me to drink and abuse drugs, everybody!
Marine World is no less a subsidiary
of Warner Brothers, and sells Willy Wonka candy.
No matter how many
times I’ve written them of my “misgivings� and how people
“related to� River should be in sobriety,
like Johnny D. and Keanu Reeves—
I can’t believe I mention them in the same line, actually—
they “don’t listen� to me.
And they hardly recycle there, either!

So, I feel like I know some of the pain of being
in Hollywood, but none of the “glory!�
When will that come for me?

Depp’s also in the mob and needs to leave,
and this has been a “revelation� I’ve been “hounded� for, repeatedly,
though it’s “not fair� to me.

I “don’t get� the negative attitude toward me
when it comes to my sobriety.
Why “perpetrate� me?
I just want what’s best for everybody, really.
My intentions are good.
Are Johnny D.’s?

Didn’t Depp have River taken outside to die that night, Halloween eve, 1993—
while playing onstage with Flea—
between Samantha Mathis and Joaquin Phoenix,
who called emergency,
from a payphone on the street,
as River lay with Rain at this side the whole time he was convulsing
on the sidewalk, shirtless, having
taken his shirt and jacket off inside the men’s room, where he
was taken to “clean up,� after throwing up from a speedball he
took earlier in the evening.
The autopsy said his body
bore abrasions from the sidewalk, everybody!
and it was Johnny Depp’s responsibility
to call emergency.
It was the combination of heroin, which becomes morphine, cocaine, and Valium, that killed River, ultimately,
in a relatively minute quantity!
An ambulance came and took him to Cedars-Sinai, where he
died in emergency at 2AM, nearly.

And Johnny Depp is rich and famous, but not me?
Where is the justice in that for me?

Didn’t he have Leo “take over� for River in three movies and with his charities?
Didn’t Leo “make fun of� people “like me,�
who’d need to know more about the OD,
all the while he was out partying in New York City,
as he was in “The Basketball Diaries?�
In which River had wanted to be?

And now I feel it’s an “irony,�
that I got a citation recently and a notice to appear
in court I’m “ignoring,�
“embarrassingly,�
for turning against a traffic sign, on my way, “ironically,�
to buy a magazine
about celebrities, featuring the many DUIs of Keanu Reeves.

I told the cop my story,
of my sobriety
“because of� River’s OD,
how the Viper Room should have been shut down, immediately—
when I mentioned Keanu Reeves’ DUIs,
and said they should have taken away his license, permanently,
he told me maybe it was, temporarily—
and the article mentioned that had happened one time he was arrested, actually.

I feel “betrayed,� obviously.

I’ve read of Keanu’s many women, including
Lynn Collins, with whom he
drank, smoked, and rode on his motorcycle, until he
left her after three months, apparently,
though she’d been in a romance with him, “Il Mare,� recently.
I confess I disapproved of their romance, since she
was in “The Merchant of Venice,�
which is anti-Semitic, though it’s Shakespeare!—
as were the “theater veterans� Jeremy Irons and Al Pacino, as Shylock—
Pacino should know better, especially,
since he was in two Sidney Lumet movies in the 70s,
and Sidney directed River in “Running on Empty,�
for which he nearly won an award from the Academy!
Didn’t Sidney get a lifetime achievement award at the ceremonies, this year?

I ended up pitying
her, a bit, since he
never stopped dating other women, then, it seemed—
he even went to England to date Brenda Davis, repeatedly.

Among other women Keanu’s been “linked to� are Diane Keaton—
though they deny this, apparently—
and they were together in a romantic movie,
Something’s Gotta Give,� in recent years.

Perhaps the most “prominent�—
among the living, at least—
of his women is Amanda DeCadenet, who seemed
to have left her husband, John Taylor, of Duran Duran, though she
had a baby
by him in the 90s—
and she is coming out with a book of photography,
Rare Birds, the cover of which is pornography!

She seemed
to have met him through Ione Skye-Leitch,
who had sex scenes with both him and River in movies in the 80s,
“most notably,� maybe,
“A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon,� which River starred in with her as teens,
though it was rated R, actually!

It was written and directed by Bill Richert, who appeared
in “My Own Private Idaho,� as Bob Pigeon, and he “never came clean!�

Keanu and she
were in “River’s Edge,� together, having sex in a public setting, after drinking,
and I find this “significant,� since the story
is about a young girl who is raped by her “boyfriend� and killed, publicly,
and this sort of thing happened to me
in the 70s—
I was molested, repeatedly,
when I ran away from my father, who was beating me,
by a man named Gary Phillips--
have you heard of him, everybody?—
only I survived to tell the story.

And wasn’t she underage during filming?
Yes, she was, if I remember correctly.

Apparently,
he bought a mansion for himself, for the first time, “recently,�
and has been remodeling all year!
I think, “Him and not me?�

I read he even used to stay in a Chateau Marmont suite, regularly,
and that’s where, in 1982, John Belushi OD’ed!

I read that recently
he stayed in a motel near
his house in the Hollywood hills—
did he?
I think that’s actually kind of “funny�—
He bought a home he doesn’t live in, permanently—
as for his many women,
“unable� to commit to anybody,
that’s also “funny,�
but that’s just me!
or is it?—
in fact, River’s voice inside told me
one day, as I was checking
a website updated daily,
that this was “hilarious,� that Keanu Reeves
was linked to about a half dozen women at once, there, simultaneously!

However, there is quite a bit of “tragedy�
Involved in all this, as you will see.

I thought I’d leave
what verses I wrote already
ahead of these,
because of the chronology
of the storytelling
in my poetry.

But this poetry is supposed to be
about River, so let me get back to what I wrote last spring,
before I became “jaded� on this journey,
with him and me,
when his spirit ran through me,
like a river into the sea.

And now I feel River’s spirit almost imperceptibly in me—
as if he needed to live on through me in sobriety—
and he’s been with me all this time, you see—
I hope I won’t even take a drink or a drug again—
would he?

No, everybody.

Then, last year, when I turned 10 in sobriety,
I “celebrated� with my friend, Jennifer Berezan,
who gave a "repeat performance"
of a concert ritual
at the Scottish Rite Temple in Oakland,
one given for charity—
among others, dolphins in the sea—
called, “Praises for the World�—
only she didn’t know the “coincidence� for me!

I’d been to Malta to visit ancient temples to the Goddess
with her and Joan Marler,
from the California Institute of Integral Studies,
back in the summer of 2000,
when I was considering getting an advanced degree
in women’s spirituality—
I still am, eventually, maybe.

Though we never did meet—
did we?—
I must have loved River eternally
to let him run through me—
don’t you agree?

Sometimes I feel
I do not have a choice—
does he?

It’s “OK� by me.
But he wasn’t a woman, was he?
The poor baby.

It’s an irony for me
to think that he might also love me endlessly,
if that can be.

So please watch me,
as I "become a river,"
the "River in me."

It’s a comfort to know that the Spirit lives on in Eternity—
don’t you agree?
A River runs through me,
doesn’t he?
No pun intended, actually.

And I’ve felt as if I should be
“embarrassed� to be
so “open� about a condition stigmatized by society—
but I'm not, and that's me.

Sometimes I think no matter what else happens, at least
I have my sobriety—
all these years,
despite uncertainty—
I cling to it,
like a rock in a stormy sea.

Despite suffering from medical malpractice,
despite being fired from my last full-time job at EDS,
many years ago,
as an editor for the Army—
because I love everyone too much to work for the military—
despite being put on academic probation
for stress at Lesley College in the 90s—
despite being diagnosed with PTSD,
a few years later, by psychology—
which I’ve had since 1973—
despite Diana, Princess of Wales and Mother Teresa dying
within days of each other—
and that was "traumatic beyond belief,"
even though I didn't know either of them, personally,
and I'm not a monarchist, at heart,
and pro-choice, too, actually—
Diana out on a date with Dodi Fayed,
chased to death, by the paparazzi—
despite becoming heavy in recovery—
and pain from a spinal injury—
being shut out of my mother’s life,
because of my father’s tyranny—
and my having been abused as a child, physically and sexually—
and my Uncle Felix’s sudden death
of a heart attack
on a tour with my Tia Melida,
in Cairo, Egypt
in the 90s.
Despite surviving the terrorist attacks of September 11th,
and the Bush “selection� in 2000,
my being depressed suicidally,
my mother’s breast cancer and treatment—
and being further shut out of her life, subsequently,
as if she was “blaming� me—
and a whole host of other things
I’d rather not go into here,
that might be “tedious� for you to hear—
I have remained in sobriety,
as if it’s the one thing I do with any “certainty�—
“knock wood,� naturally.

It happened to me,
one day, at the sea—
I was about to be a temporary secretary
for the Department of Energy,
if I don’t recall, mistakenly—
I was at a bed and breakfast at Rehoboth Beach,
near Ocean City,
walking along the beach
after brunch, where I left a mimosa half-finished, you see.

And Al Gore’s voice in my head came to me
to say he thought this “was a problem,� meaning drinking—
and I felt such relief,
realizing my mistake and deciding
to commit to sobriety.
That was November 14th, 1993,
and the next day was my first, drug and alcohol free.

Then, when I walked into a meeting of recovery,
after almost a year,
I felt Robert Redford’s spirit stand up,
as if he wanted to shake hands with me—
and I’ve felt his spirit ever since in recovery—
though he won’t answer letters I send
to that end, you see.

Among the three movies of River’s I did see before he OD’ed was “Sneakers,�
which Bob was in with Sidney Poitier, among other people—
so, when I finally “figured it out� about River’s OD
having an effect on me,
Bob’s presence in recovery
“made more sense� to me—
it wasn’t just a “coincidental meeting!�

I later read in a magazine that he too
had gotten drunk in college, “like me,�
and so I was sure I wasn’t just “feeling things,�
when I sensed his presence in sobriety!

I sent Bob a copy
of my first book of poetry,
Cherry Tree Lane,
years ago, when I was still living at Muir Beach.

Didn’t “Thirteen,�
a film made later,
by Catherine Hardwicke, using
a thirteen-year-old, in reality,
Nikki Reed,
with whom she wrote the screenplay in a “record� six days, I read recently,
bear some resemblance to my actual story from the 70s?
Either Hardwicke “stole� my story, partly,
or things haven’t changed that much for girls “like� me—
or both, possibly—
and that movie won an award for her at Sundance that year!

And I read that River was to be
in a movie
written for him and John Malkovich—
“Total Eclipse,�
which Leonardo DiCaprio “took over� for him in—
with a new director and writer, I believe,
and that, I did already see,
having had premonition dreams of Leo the previous year.

River was, according to one biography,
booked solidly until age 30—
and when he died, he was only 23.

I read he and Rain were the main breadwinners
of their large family,
from very early—
he, five, she, three—
playing guitar and singing on the streets
of Caracas, Venezuela, for money,
living in poverty,
because that was their father’s responsibility, really—
born to parents in the Children of God,
who became missionaries.

I go numb, when I think of this part of River’s history,
because it was their father, John's responsibility
to support the family.

I’ve come to want to read
all about River, to see
all his movies, and hear
his musical recordings—
he wrote many songs
he sang with his sister Rain in Aleka’s Attic,
and performed for charities.
Many recordings he
paid for independently in a studio in Gainesville,
I believe—
where are they?

Didn’t Chris Blackwell
of Island Records sign a deal?
All this, I did not know, until recently.

The CDs weren’t released, post-humously?
Apparently not, everybody.

Originally,
I wrote that I’ve come to want to see the autopsy—
which I did later obtain, personally—
and maybe
visit the grave in the cemetery, if that can be—
but his ashes, it turned out,
were scattered over the ranch he
bought his family in a little town
in Florida called Micanopy,
or so I read, recently.
I’ve also read that girls threw themselves into his grave, after his OD—
or so Joaquin was quoted at one site I read, recently,
so which is true, and can I visit, eventually?

River has, needless to say,
become part of my “favorite ancestry�—
and I’ll try not to focus too much on his death, here,
as I know that can be sad for some people, including me.

And when I wrote my book of poetry
about my life
on a lane called Cherry Tree,
people compared me to J.K. Rowlings,
the author of the Harry Potter stories
though it bore no resemblance, in reality—
other than I had not regular publisher
to market it for me—
and, at first,
neither did she.

I never did find mine—
And I couldn’t help but think
Of this story
As I passed a billboard for the second Harry Potter movie,
Set for release
On November 15th, 2002, my ninth “birthday� in sobriety.

Who has cared about me?

It’s as if time has “stood still� for me—
I’m told repeatedly
I don’t look a day past 30—
Maybe part of the reason is this “irony�—
Watch me age now, “suddenly!�
I hope that wasn’t a self-fulfilling prophecy!

River never seemed dead to me—
he always seemed
off somewhere, making a movie, maybe,
though he wasn’t really—
and now I see why more clearly.

I’ve since left the Democratic Party,
because of the death penalty
and it’s being run by corporations, you see.
But at the time River OD’ed,
I’d been in it for years.
I later learned that Aleka’s Attic played at a rally
for Clinton and Gore, in Gainesville, in 1992, and this is possibly
why I felt Gore’s spirit come to me on November 14th, 1993,
to infer I stop drinking!

Just recently,
I went to the “Hollywood retreat�
at Deer Park Monastery,
where the senior disciple,
Sister Chan Khong,
likened us to having been
in a “big river�—
and I was writing
Thay of the coincidence
of River Phoenix’s autopsy
falling on my first day of sobriety.

I have “mixed� feelings,
transcribing this here,
a year after first writing this poetry,
because I have since been rejected from yet the rains retreat
held early, last year,
and residency, after two weeks,
having been
put in a cabin with no running
water or heat,
getting sick, later residing
at Middle Hamlet, with Eliza,
who can be mean.
I was at Plum Village, which is supposed to be
for people “like� me—
“lay,� as they say in that community,
not monastic, as most are, who reside there, actually—
and I feel these people
do not care about me,
my revelations about River,
or my “calling� to be enlightened,
as of the moment the first plane struck on September 11th, 2001,
from my late Uncle Felix’s spirit,
though I was thousands of miles away in Vienna, Austria,
again, after 28 years away, revisiting.

An “irony�
about the rains retreat
was that during the time I was not allowed to reside at the monastery,
I told Thay, mentally,
in March or so,
that I’d go to Vietnam with him,
feeling that there, fewer were notice me, “ironically,�
since so that would be
attended by so many.

And that summer, he
announced he’d and his senior disciple
would go there, for the first time in 38 years,
because of exile that was illegal, too, undoubtedly!

Sobriety was not
my first step into recovery—
incest survival was—
and I’ve wanted to grow, spiritually.

And I was surprised as can be,
when I began to “be smitten� with River’s lookalike,
also 23—
David Viaforo, someone I deemed “too young� for me—
10 years later at Deer Park Monastery—
unbeknownst to me—
as I’d forgotten almost completely
what he’d looked like to me.
And I was rejected from the winter retreat,
almost entirely,
for having had “difficulties.�

It was a disappointment to me.
I had to reconcile with Thay and Sister Chan Khong, spiritually,
though they don’ know me
much yet, personally.
And they probably won’t, anymore, actually.
I don’t get the sense that will be,
no matter how good my intentions at Deer Park and Plum Village have been!

And I feel it is “unfair� to hold it against me
that I was “smitten� with someone at Deer Park—
they even held it against me at Plum Village the following year!—
at the time, a senior nun, when I returned for the creativity retreat
also confirmed my belief
that was why I’d been rejected from most of the winter retreat and residency
at the monastery in late 2003.
I’d like to feel “OK� with them all again,
and not “alienated,� as I have been, frankly,
but it might take some “doing!�

I’m not sure how Buddhist I am anymore, now, either, really,
but I like the general teachings—
I’d taken the five mindfulness trainings, repeatedly—
one of them being
a commitment not to kill, “ironically,�
since killing happens here
all the time in this country—
during war, especially.
The last time I received them being
at Plum Village, last year,
when Sister Chan Khong gave them to me, personally!

Still, I feel traditional religion may be “too patriarchal� for me—
and I’ve felt discriminated against, for having “difficulties!�

David had wanted me to live there, too, actually, in 2003.
He didn’t even “get� that I was rejected, initially—
all except Sundays, daytime, only.
He said I could come back for the month of December, possibly.

When I did come back for the creativity retreat—
Thay’s spirit would “bid� me to come in the mornings
after I finally realized the truth about River’s autopsy—
and even though, technically,
I’d been rejected for such things,
I was permitted to attend this weekend retreat,
staying at a hotel, near there—
as several monastics asked me.
David had left the monastery,
in terms of residency,
and he did, as I wrote him, initially—
though he’d received only
one letter out of three—
find a woman younger than me,
if he didn’t become a monk, as he was considering becoming
at Deer Park Monastery—
and she even looked a hit like me!

I wonder,
will this be considered “slander� by the community?
It is the truth, actually.

If only he “knew� the trouble he caused me!
What did he say about me?
We never even kissed, actually.

Not even the night before I left, when I made my way up to Solidity,
to say goodbye, properly,
and we were alone in the temple,
with an elder nicknamed Ma prostrating,
the entire time we sat meditating—
I was “amazed� at her energy!

He held the door open for me,
as we were exiting,
as he’d “invited� the bell, too, at his own behest, both before and after sitting,
and I thought how patriarchal that was for me.

Then, we “argued� about the planets—
Mars was very near that evening,
and he swore it was Venus, but I had been to the observatory
many times that summer, already,
so I knew better, actually—
even though I wasn’t a man, and never will be!
Though, I didn’t make a point of it that evening.
At my behest, we did hugging
meditation, where we held each
other for three breaths, counting silently—
my only time holding him, incidentally—
I still remember the feel of his long dark blonde hair beneath
my chin and our breathing!
That was, I think, the only time I ever touched him, actually.

I couldn’t even “use� the fact Thay fell in love with someone in the 60s—
a book was transcribed of the talk he
gave on this one year—
Cultivating the Mind of Love—
though he didn’t “act out� on that, physically, either!
Monastics, when I mentioned this fact, seemed to think he
was “different� from me, since he was the teacher!
And male, too, actually.

I confess that I feel
“vulnerable� writing of this “infatuation,� here,
since it was held against me,
and David and I both rejected one another, eventually,
anyway, didn’t we?

I can remember staying at Solidity
the first week I retreated at Deer Park that year,
where men usually stay, mostly,
though Ma does, too, actually—
since she is the mother of two monks and is in her 70s,
she is given “privilege,� so to speak.

I’d requested to stay there, since they have full baths in each room,
and there were plenty!
My injured lower back can tend to bother me,
and I just like bathing, also, due to my PTSD.

David was living near me.
One evening, shortly after arriving,
he told me,
after a talk, I believe,
introducing himself by his first name and that he was living
at “Lazy Snake,� the building in front of me.

I “resisted,� at first, wondering,
how old he was, since I’d just been
“getting over� a man named Max at Green Gulch Farm Zen Center at Muir Beach,
where I was living, at the time, actually—
and my feelings for him were held against me, there, too, incidentally!
And he was “too young� for me, since he was in his late 20s,
when we met the year I turned 40,
but that’s another story—
or is it, everybody?

Turns out he looked a bit like Leonardo DiCaprio,
and was only a few months younger, actually—
a “premonition dream� I had of him and Amma, then, told me,
but I didn’t realize this while waking,
until then, because he shaved his head, actually!

My landlady at the time wondered if I was “out� for men at these centers,
and I told her, no, I wasn’t “looking for� anything!
“Funny�—
my father used to say that to me, long ago, in the 70s, when he’d beat me.

So, I asked David how old he was, right away, wondering—
and he told me, “23.�
And, I admit, immediately,
I though how he was “too young� for me,
since I was in my early 40s!
I’m not sure he liked that “designation,� but I didn’t tell him, initially!

About a week
passed before I was “smitten,� no matter what I told myself, originally,
and the next morning, the monks, who’d said they’d meet
to discuss where I’d be staying—
they hadn’t done that, already—
told me I’d have to leave Solidity for Clarity,
as if they had ESP.

They probably do, actually.

Initially, my Uncle Felix’s voice inside, that summer, told me,
to go back to Plum Village, that year,
instead of Deer Park Monastery,
again, since Mom was getting used to the idea!
She hadn’t approved when I went for two weeks leaving May 15th, 2003,
not knowing why the “Matrix Reloaded� premiere
that day was “no coincidence� for me—
until the following year,
when I finally figured it out about River and me!
And I learned about his baby Ava being stillborn to Jennifer Syme, that year,
with whom he “broke up,� only
for her to die in a DUI, after coming
from Marilyn Manson’s mansion, after about a year!
Also dying that year were Aaliyah,
who’d been already cast and filmed, partly, as Zee,
in a plane crash;
the victims of September, 11th;
and Gloria Foster,
of a sudden heart attack,
who played the Oracle in the first two movies of that trilogy—
so that’s a lot of tragedy,
and it delayed filming for years!
Frankly,
the fight scenes remind me
a bit of my “inner conflict� with Amma, unbelievably,
ever since Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, the previous year—
and this is “reflected� in the movies,
especially the ending,
where it’s revealed
that Smith is the Oracle, really,
amidst Hindu chants, “ironically!�
What a “sad� ending,
with Trinity and Neo dying—
or is he blind, “merely?�—
while he “wins the war,� going on for 100 years,
by “submitting to her,� finally—
something I will never do, probably, in reality.
And a little Indian girl named Sati,
who comes with Seraph to meet
the Oracle—
by this time, played by Mary Alice—
who has confronted the Architect, finally—
making a sunrise for Neo, who is dead, seemingly—
but maybe not really!
He might come back we
are told, but I don’t want to see Sati
doing movie kung fu in the next sequel, frankly!

Wasn’t Sudhamani,
the girl Amma was before “incarnating,�
about that age, when she
was taken out of public school and made to cook and clean
continually,
for the extended family?

Yes, I think she was, actually.

One of her top devotees in Northern California is named Kamala, as Sati’s
mother was, in the end of the trilogy!
I wrote her daughter, Thaila, once about my “discovery,�
since this wouldn’t be their usual “fare� in movies, I believe,
being “too violent and explicit, sexually,
as it is for me—
but I never heard back from anybody!
I had to see the massive documentary
on DVD before realizing
Smith was the Oracle, ultimately—
and I’m still not quite clear about the story!
One time, at Marine World, before the Tiger Island show there,
they played the music from the second movie—
the freeway chase scene,
among other things—
and a little girl about that age
was doing movie kung fu to it, and I figured she saw the movie!
She couldn’t have been more than five, actually,
and I thought of Ava, naturally!
And she showed up again, the next week,
I believe.

I know Carrie-Anne Moss said she
was afraid of dying in that scene,
too, on a motorcycle, with the Asian man who makes keys!
reminded me
a bit of Keanu’s father, actually—
I wonder what the filmmakers mean!
And that was “good acting�
when Neo flew in CG,
to save him and Morpheus at the end of the scene!

Only, “confidentially,�
in my “inner war,� as I call it, regularly,
I use the back of an ice skate and a javelin, and it can be “gory!�
But with no blood or screaming,
sort of like a cartoon,
which can be “weird,�
and I’m “glad� the shamanism is helping me, gradually—
keep your fingers crossed for me!
FYI, I don’t have those things, actually,
because that would “frighten� me!

Then, the other day, some guy actually
rushed the stage during bhajans to stab Amma, unbelievably—
and this was just after I finished writing!
He was apprehended and arrested, apparently.
Isn’t that “frightening?�
It makes me really
question the nature of reality.
I feel “guilty�
writing this here,
for fear
someone will hold it against me.

I have since decided not to be a devotee,
but I still hope one day I can feel
“OK,� again with Amma, frankly!

And since about then, I admit, I have begun to feel
less “enmity� for her, so maybe this is “working�—
because they say she wants your anger to “transform� it, supposedly—
but with PTSD,
it can seem like an endless stream!

Maybe I’ll get “points� for honesty,
because I feel she’s
caused me
damage as well, frankly—
to my car, mostly.

Isn’t Marilyn Manson on the DVDs,
singing the theme,
wearing next to nothing?
I cannot believe
he was included this way, frankly.

Wasn’t the Architect scene
filmed during
the time Jennifer’s mother was suing—
and didn’t win her case against him, it seems?
That footage was used for an awards show at MTV,
where Justin Timberlake was Neo in the park scene—
and the Architect—
not “himself,� naturally—
was making lewd comments about Trinity?
And Gloria’s part was “satirized� in that, but she wasn’t alive, was she?

Keanu gave his permission for that, which ended up on the DVD!

Didn’t he appear
in the documentary
wearing a Viper Room jersey—
and a neck brace after surgery,
during training with Yuen Wo Ping?

Is he “crazy?�
That remains to be seen,
but, in all honesty,
it seems “clear� to me!

You know, I later read that Andy Wachowski
left his wife of many years
to marry a professional “dominatrix�—
to whom he is a sex slave, apparently!

And these movies are taken seriously
by the general media—
the Catholic Church even uses “Neo� to promote becoming a priest, unbelievably!

I bet he
wouldn’t want to hear that from me,
judging how I’m in “obscurity,� constantly,
due to “bad luck,� I guess, astrologically,
but that’s supposed to change for me—
and I keep suspecting Johnny D.,
who is in the mob and needs to leave!

And my “calling� is not taken seriously by anybody hardly, it seems, but me!

So, back to my story—
I didn’t know Mom disapproved of me
living at Plum Village—
where I would have been accepted, then, frankly—
until I got there, actually—
and I “gave in� to her, since she was undergoing breast cancer treatment, still, that year!—
I didn’t want her to “freak!�
Which was kind of me, considering she and Dad “don’t believe� in my “calling�—
or me, frankly, either.

However, I did not go back to Plum Village, that year,
and had I done so, I might never be on the path I’m now traversing,
so to speak!

FYI, I never did know that Bernardo Bertolucci
directed “Little Buddha� the year
after River OD’ed,
or that it starred Keanu Reeves
in the lead—
and I actually liked that movie—
unlike his atrocious “Last Tango in Paris,� which I also finally
did see, last year,
after “putting that off� for years—
and it’s degrading to someone like me!
In fact, I believe
that it “encouraged� violent acts towards young girls like me, indirectly,
since I suffered the worst traumas of my life in the 70s,
being beaten by my father,
and when I ran away, molested sexually by Gary,
after its release.

When I look deeply
at Keanu Reeves,
as Thay encourages, actually,
I see,
with some “irony,�
a man who must be “heartbroken,� so deeply
that he won’t talk of River—
or Ava or Jen, subsequently—
though he played at the Viper Room for years
in the bands, Dogstar and Becky,
until recently—
after I emailed, everybody—
and he “made love� to Johnny D.,
didn’t’ he,
proverbially?
And he
doesn’t keep
in touch with River’s family—
does he?
Not even Indy,
whom he’s never met,
I believe—
though he
was seen
shooting pool at a bar called the Hog Pit,
on Indy’s
first birthday, in New York City.
What is more is that he
has been drinking and smoking and taking drugs, all these years, it seems—
and nobody’s stopping him from doing that, publicly?
Where is the LAPD?

I don’t want to focus too heavily
on his problems here,
for fear
if he read this,
he might actually
throw up on me!
But he should be sober, obviously.

My fear
is he’d
just see
the “negative� in me,
too, incidentally,
since I’ve put on weight in sobriety—
not my being clean and sober all these years,
“due to� River’s OD,
which he cannot even talk about, “ironically!�—
or the fact I’ve never “fit in� anywhere, it seems,
having been discriminated against, illegally—
according to the American Disabilities Act, at least,
I believe it is illegal to discriminate against people
With PTSD, isn’t it, really?

I doubt he’d
Want to hear
It from me.

And my intentions are good, everybody!

Wasn’t he
in a movie,
“A Walk in the Clouds,� which I’ve seen, by now, repeatedly,
set in a vineyard, unbelievably,
like no one has ever read a thing about Keanu Reeves,
where they blessed even
the wine, eventually?
I could not believe
this starred Keanu Reeves,
who has a genetic propensity
to OD,
due to his father, Sam Reeves—
who was arrested for drug trafficking,
the year after River OD’ed,
and sentenced to ten years
in prison, actually,
having been released, last year, finally—
and Keanu won’t even see him, though he seems “remorseful� to me.

However, Keanu’s and Kim’s mother, Patricia, remarried
three times, after he left the family,
when they were babies,
divorcing after each—
she bore her second husband, Robert Miller,
another baby,
Karina, didn’t she?—
So I can sort of see
why Keanu wouldn’t want to see his real Dad, only
he is shutting out that side of his family,
including his grandmother from Hawaii!

But I wrote of all this in “Saving Joaquin,�
another piece of poetry,
for River’s brother,
and I don’t really
want to repeat myself here!

And while I probably
wrote of this later in these many
volumes of poetry
for River Phoenix,
I wanted to tell the story
of “Sweet November,� and that is an “irony!�

The original movie
was a favorite of mine in childhood,
with my ex-girlfriend, Susie,
who was on the brink of puberty with me,
in the early 70s,
when we saw it late, one night on TV.

We loved Sandy Dennis in this movie,
with Anthony Newley,
whom she didn’t get along with well, during filming, apparently,
though you’d never know it from the movie!

Susie “abandoned� me
many times, starting in the 70s,
after my father began to beat me,
and I was molested sexually,
when I ran away, subsequently—
I couldn’t “take� knowing her, then, actually,
because I felt she was “too fragile� to know, really,
and I didn’t tell many people,
since there is a stigma attached to that in society,
and people tend to blame me—
including my parents, incidentally,
until my mother finally
admitted it wasn’t my fault, last year!
But Susie
said that it was because I took drugs that we
went our “broke up�—
even though she’d drink and smoke with me,
and we were minors to boot, everybody!

When the remake of this movie came out four years ago,
I “noted� it, but didn’t see
it, because I didn’t want to get sentimental about Susie!

After “figuring it out� about River and me,
I “knew� this was not a “coincidence� for me,
since it is set here
in the Bay area,
and it stars Charlize Theron and Keanu Reeves!

“Ironically,�
November 17th is part of the story,
and that was Susie’s birthday—
Elton John, who was her favorite artist, then,
recorded a live album on that date in 1971,
the year she turned ten, and we
didn’t think that was a “coincidence,� either!

I’d since “gotten in touch� with Susie,
as per Thay’s teachings,
and told her “everything!�
But she’d remarried—
her third husband, Dennis Laws, to whom she
bore a son, Keegan,
this time.
Sadly,
she’d become a fundamentalist Christian,
which “broke my heart,� since she
“upheld� drinking, using
The Bible to do so, saying
God made it, therefore it must be “good,� or something!
She also “upheld� Bush, and no one I know on purpose, personally,
would do that to me!

So, I burned her latest address in the hills of Pennsylvania,
and decided not to be “friendly,�
until I saw this movie.
Then, I felt I had to write her of my sobriety
date and why it’s important, historically—
and to see
the remake with Keanu and Charlize—
but she didn’t get back to me!

It even contains a scene where Sara Deever
takes somebody else’s dogs walking at a beach—
and I loved to meet
them there, where they run of the leash
where I was living at Muir Beach,
at the time I began writing this poetry!

In it, he’s also drinking,
as is Charlize,
in the “famous� November is all I know scene,
near the ending,
which is “too graphic� for me,
frankly.

A further “irony�
is that she
throws medicine at him from a chest she’s taking—
and this is how I OD’ed, myself, twice in 1993,
before getting into sobriety,
“due to� River Phoenix’s OD.

I later read
that Keanu took his mother Patricia to the premiere,
on Valentine’s Day, 2001, which was the year
that Jennifer Syme died, “ironically,�
about a month after its release.

And Warner Brothers knew about her and the baby being stillborn Christmas Eve,
1999, yet it still insisted Keanu and Charlize
do the “early Christmas� scene,
which I don’t believe
was in the original movie!

I didn’t see the original, again, after all these years, actually,
since when I ordered it,
it didn’t come to me!

But I’d still like to see it,
since it’s a good memory—
and frankly,
the remake can be a bit “filthy,�
though I like it, too, other than that, “naturally!�

Is River trying to tell me something?

I think this was his boyfriend, no—
or am I “missing� something?
They were infatuated, at least,
and this, Keanu Reeves never discusses, publicly.

Why do write so much of Keanu Reeves?
Didn’t I dream he was “the boyfriend,� repeatedly—
but I had to wonder whose, consciously.
In one I had, I recall, specifically,
I got him and a bunch of men sober, symbolically—
we reached out to one another, as he
was “adrift� on an artificial lake, actually,
and when he grabbed my hand, he
came ashore with the rest of the men in a boat he was in, and he
told me
a he passed me
that he
was “they boyfriend� and would “spoil� me—
but has he?
No, not really.

Rather, I think he and Warner Brothers “stole� from me,
last year,
regarding “Constantine,� and things having to do with November 15th,
and they “don’t care� about me, personally!
It’s just a good story—
like they “made me up� or something!

So often, I think
that River is “playing with me�—
I can’t tell when that is happening, everybody!

But, back to my own story,
with nowhere near
as much good fortune or glory as Keanu’s or Charlize’s—
the winter retreat was being held at Deer Park Monastery
for the first time, come the first of the following year,
and in late 2003,
I wanted to be there, early!

I had asked Amma if I could go to India and get the health care I favored, then,
which was Ayurveda, and she agreed—
but I didn’t go, because of an age-old case of PTSD,
and “irrational anger,� or IA, as I call it, I was having for her,
ever since about the time my actual mother got breast cancer, everybody!

By my deductions, I believe
that Indiana August Affleck was being conceived
about the time she turned 50,
with a big conference in Kochin,
near where she is from—
September 27th, 2003—
which was about the day I met David at the monastery, “ironically!�

Incidentally,
when I was “transferred� to Clarity Hamlet at Deer Park Monastery,
that year, I grew suicidally
depressed, because of the difference in the living
conditions between where men “usually� stay and accommodations for the women.

In the morning,
I told a nun, who took time out from her busy day to listen to me,
in empathy,
to everything,
but I feel even this was held against me!

She told me that even monastics “fall� for people,
but they put those feelings “aside,� or something.
She also said how some nuns favor the accommodations at Clarity.
I didn’t, obviously.
Even Thay ended up living there, “ironically,�
as we’d transformed a house used for a temple
into his accommodations at the monastery!

He had a full bathroom, there, “ironically,�
which we women weren’t to use, as I recall, even though he
wasn’t there, then, in late 2003—
and one nun went ahead anyway, during
services, because it was “necessary!�

It was then I “knew� that we
weren’t all so sane, collectively!

In the middle of the night, I’d have to leave
my warm bed and make my way up a hill
to use the bathroom in the showerhouse there—
and I had trouble getting back to sleep—
until I took the time to go buy some valerian root recommended to me.

I even helped build the new temple at Clarity,
taking the abbess of the hamlet, whose name I’ve forgotten, momentarily,
to Home Depot, to do some shopping.
I will never forget her calm demeanor—
like an Ocean of Peace,
which the big new temple near Solidity
was named, “ironically.�
And I bet she
was glad she
was me driving,
as I could read,
and I got the kind of grout that matched what they were already using!

I envied her that placidity.
It’s why I went to Deer Park Monastery, partly—
that and to fulfill my “calling�
to seek enlightenment,
as of the moment the first plane struck,
that almost no one’s cared about but me, it seems!

Recently,
I emailed the California Institute of Integral Studies,
and someone there named Allyson Werner got back to me,
personally,
which was “nice,� considering—
and she did “took an interest� in my “calling!�

She even
replied that people
can find the women’s spirituality degree
programs there “healing,�
when I wrote her that I have “battled� PTSD for years—
and that was “encouraging� to me!

But I think I may find this shamanism I use, lately—
that taught by Sandra Ingerman—
most healing of all the things I’ve been using.

With it, I find my “retrieved�
soul parts, due to having been sexually abused as a girl, particularly,
“coming home� to me, gradually, over the year,
since I only
began to go to my shaman this spring.

When my shaman, Lenore Norrgard, lay on a rug next to me,
In her meditation room at the Durant House in Berkeley,
touching me,
shoulder-to-shoulder, toe-to-toe, after circling me,
chanting and rattling,
initially,
listening to drumming on CD,
while I lay, quietly.

I wasn’t supposed to journey, shamanically,
but be present in the room, she later told me,
since my wonderful therapist, Soonja Kim, had told me
later she’d like to be there with me,
if that could be—
and that was “kind� of her, since she costs plenty,
and she’d do that for free!

She practices psychotherapy
for “undermothered� women,
and I guess that’s me!

And after that, Lenore “blew� my “retrieved�
soul parts back into my body—
after entering non-ordinary reality—
at my crown, heart, and reproductive chakras,
and when I sat up, we shared our “journeys.�

She’d also integrated a tigress into me
to help with the soul retrieval,
and she’s lying, “calm,� waiting, apparently.

It turns out we
both met Grandmother on this journey,
and that was an “irony,�
since Alice Walker wrote of Her in her novel,
Now Is the Time to Open Your Heart,
about shamanic journeying,
as per Maria Sabina’s teachings,
about whom she’s written poetry
she read at a Mumia Abu-Jamal event in previous years.
She uses ayahuasca, which is hallucinogenic,
and I can’t do that, since I’m in sobriety!
But Someone—
Grandmother, maybe?—
must have been “listening,�
when I expressed a desire to shamanic journey,
because this is the way that “came� to me!

I’d been
at Amma’s center, talking
to a man who gave me a lift in his van, that year,
and he said he’d “journeyed� using this plant,
but I to

Boy, you are fast! :)

Thanks for that "comment" , but I wish you had'nt turned it into a book ! We were talking about Keanu , and how he looks , reacting to those pictures of him and before we know it we're reading a whole novel about River Pheonix etc. I appreciate your thoughts , though.

Keanu ! These next 5 to 8 years or so will be his death sentence or honorable claim to permanent fame.From my veiwpoint, which way his future turns depends a great deal of how he manages to tune in to his fans wants , visions, and desires for him. His fans or indifferant movie goers, are going to think "nevermind", or "Im inspired". As I see it , he needs feedback desperately. One wonders: where are the women in his life -women who care ? It would be good if he respected his mother's or sister's opinions enough to ask them if they have any tips for him.

A young devishly handsome scruffy sex symbol can get away with looking frowzy, ;he's got age (or lack of it ) on his side. But when time starts to subtract from your rose-in-bloom days, and leave you a differant version of your attractive self each day, it's time to try to compensate for all that by changing your style.

What should his image be for the people: the dashing cool-styled hero; the one; the Neo, or the deteriorating actor ready to cicle the drain--? These years are do or die. He should'nt take anything for granted. He should look at those pictures of himself when he was younger; strangely enough, his hair looked better then than it does today. (No floppy-frounts though,-please !) Get a wardrobe consultant, and care enough to kick the smokes ! Keanu can be so beautiful - a sight to behold ! I want him to make it with a florish, so his name is etched in minds of the entertainment seekers forever.

Thanks, Icy. I agree he should quit smoking, obviously. My work is not fiction, however--read closely. As of yet, I have not finished typing up either book--but, in fact, there are 23 for River, which I wrote in the spring of 2004, and one for Joaquin I wrote this spring, when he entered rehab. I wish people cared more for what I wrote, rather than harass me, as has happened, repeatedly, on-line, as elsewhere.
I did hear back, "indirectly," from River's mother, who prefers her "taken" name, Heart, via a woman, Julia Hubner, who collected writings for her book, "River Phoenix Tribute," recently, and another one for the family. Heart was grateful, but only a fraction of this massive amount of poetry was typed up, then, by me. My handwriting is so bad that I need to transcribe it myself, you see, and I'd rather write letters, for some reason. My mistake--and to write in the margins, tiny, too! :)
I need to "amend" some of the intro to "Phoenix Rising." I recently checked the Atari site that did let me post this poetry, initially, after I found out that it was advertising my 12th "birthday" sober, if all goes well, this year, November 15th, as its release date for The Path of Neo--as if I'd like to be him, which I wouldn't--and the company had not only changed its original release date, but it deleted my poetry, too! So, it's "nice" it is permitted here. I wonder how long it will be kept here--even though Heart Phoenix likes it, as well as other things Julia collected for River, recently! :)
The trouble with "putting off" publishing poetry like this, even self-publishing, as Julia did, recently, and another friend, Mikki, will do--my poetry is narrative, therefore, true stories in verse--is that in time, more things happen, and therefore, you feel you need to "keep up" with events.
Case in point--I went to the San Francisco "Thumbsucker" premiere, which the director, Mike Mills, answered Q&A for. I brought up my sobriety date, November 15, 1993, and what it means, and asked for his help getting Keanu, who is in the terrible R-rated movie, which "exploits" his chain-smoking, for one thing, again, like "Constantine" did before that, "using" my actual story of sobriety, without asking me, "ironically--and Mike ignored me, while the huge audience at the Metreon theater laughed at me.
It would have been quite humiliating, had I not felt River's spirit "with" me, for one, and also had I not known I was right and they were wrong! I mean, they laughed at everything--from Keanu's chain-smoking to teenagers taking drugs and drinking beer a math teacher gets them and everything in-between. That's how I OD'ed twice in 1993, too, before sobriety, on a prescription, lithium eskalith, for a nervous breakdown I had in the 80s, while I was still drinking. Also, in the movie, a TV star is in rehab, getting "smuggled" drugs removed. They laughed at everything, like they were high, and they most likely were. It was like "The Twilight Zone"--it was so bizarre. It was painful. Am I to watch as Keanu "kills" himself, in such a movie, knowing Kim has leukemia, for one thing?
The "upshot" of this that I then bitterly complained to the theater manager of the Metreon, who told me it was a "private" showing, and indeed, tickets were $10, which is a bit more than regular pricing. He was "compassionate," however, and nodded, like a relatively sane person, unlike those at the premiere. But when I told him Depp is in the mob and needs to leave--which is "well-documented," actually, in terms of criminal activity--he started moving toward the escalator of the huge complex I'd never seen the like of before, with his assistant beside him. He then "blew me off" a bit, saying he watches DVDs at home, and I should do the same thing.
But I was "glad" anyone was nice to me at all that evening, and I went, thinking Mike Mills and I would be friends, and he'd "help" me! I actually hope we've seen the back of him, my friend! I recently read one of his favorite films was "Idaho," which cast and crew did drugs to do the sex scenes for. This too is documented well. Am I the only one who has ever read or seen a biography?
I love films. I find this to be the most powerful medium, but this industry needs to change, believe me. I recently read an interview with Joaquin, who said that there is a "stereotype" of actors drinking. His friend, Russell Crowe, is up on felony charges, too, and this the theater manager knew, too!
You cannot really deny the level of corruption in this society, and the movies only "reflect" that, to some degree. I blame the studios, mainly, and the "push" to make R-rated movies, which are "too graphic." I recently read an article that said that the MPAA "wants" them that way, since they sell better. No one sober would make them taht way, probably, and this is why studios "don't care," say, when Johnny Depp had River taken outside to die that Halloween.
As for Keanu's looks, he can wear what he wants, as long as he's not naked in public or on-screen.
Sincerely,
Vivian Taube

P.S. I cannot edit remarks here, and so I'd like to "clarify" a few things. I asked Mike's help getting Keanu sober, which he then painfully ignored, at the "Thumbsucker" premiere.
Also, I "forget" whether I put this in my long poetry for River, but I'd like Depp indicted for mob activity, and I recently wrote Al Pacino, his co-star from the "Donnie Brasco" days, about this, after he gave Sidney Lumet the Lifetime Achievement Oscar this year. Sidney directed Al in both "Serpico," about an "honest" cop, Frank Serpico, in the 70s, who got shot for not taking bribes in NYC, and also "Dog Day Afternoon," both of which are good movies, but a bit "graphic," the first, especially. I "appealed" to Al's higher conscience, after playing os many mob bosses, since then, you can "hardly" tell the difference! "Donnie Brasco" was one such movie, though it was about an actual FBI agent, Joe Pistone, "responsible" for turning in 100s of actual gansters in the 70s. It is like the mob "wants" Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. I read Keanu wants to play a mobster who "turns good," in his next movie, possibly, and personally, I feel he is "too innocent," having suffered from the drugs and alcohol so much, already, especially, possibly, when it comes to his father, but River, Ava, and Jen, too! :) Al played the actual devil in a film with Keanu and Charlize, "Devil's Advocate," and my feeling about Keanu being in this movie was the same, actually.
Don't get me wrong. I fear the mob as most sane people do. But something inside me says to be "brave," here. Hardly anyone else seems to make as much of a "thing" about this, though biographers do.
I recently read that Kate Moss, who was with Depp the night Roger Daltrey had him evicted from the Presidential Suite at the Mark Hotel in NYC the year after River OD'ed, entered rehab, recently, for cocaine addiction. She was one of his many fiancees, and he was also arrested, that evening. Winona Ryder was his fiancee the year River OD'ed, and before that, she went into a psych ward, "like" me. I do believe that I am one of the few sober "because of" River's OD, and I want that to change, everybody!
Love,
Vivian :)

One mroe comment, and then I actually will go, for now, but I get "alerted" when readers write me. I recently read, on-line, that Allan Goodman was the name of the judge trying to liquidate Anthony Fox's 49 percent share of the Viper Room, before Fox sued. Depp had employed a law firm, and one of the partners had the same last name, "ironically." He tried to seize Fox's portion of the club, before Fox sued, and then was "disappeared, mysteriously," near Christmas, 2001, being survived by a 16-year-old daughter named Amanda. If you do a Google on Anthony Fox and Viper Room, you come up with these "goodies. I think this was from the "LA Law Journal," if I'm not mistaken, on-line. Anyway, I was "mistaken," before, slightly, thinking that a judge was "merely" trying to shut down the entire club and not "just" take away Fox's portion. After my "discovery" about my sobriety date being the day the coroner's office signed Riv's autopsy, along with everything else it means, I wrote many people, as I wrote before, including Depp, in the spring of 2004, and within half a year, when I was at Plum Village, "ironically," he gave his share, 51 percent to Amanda, who is now 20 and a college student, looking to sell the Viper Room, of which she is sole owner.
I have no idea why any of the women "associated" with him don't say anything all these years, but I don't want to "pick" on them, either! I just notice what is painfully obvious. This man, who is "key" to River's OD, along with Gus Van Sant and John Phoenix, if you ask me, should be sober--all three should be, as well as the others I wrote of above in my now "infamous" list! In fact, it is to my pleasure that Joaquin recently moved to LA, for the most part of the last year, out of the building Gus lives in, and I hope Casey, who finally married Summer, this year, will leave with his family!
Imagine what it's like for me. Here I am, in "relative" obscurity, sober all these years, due to River's OD, only to "wake up" last year, to all this means. And all these people are "out there," making movies I don't usually want to see, since they are "too graphic," and they make millions and millions! "Constantine" was "hard" for me. I am literally in debt more than I can pay, and that grossed over a quarter of a billion dollars, between the movie and game. I read Keanu "won't" be in a sequel, even if WB wants one, which it is now reconsidering, though, initially, it "backed down, "after Jack Horn, CEO, heard from me! I won't go to Marine World, anymore, because of the negligence in this case. So many of these people belonged in rehab on court order, long ago, including Keanu, in the 80s! As far as "Constantine" goes, my recovery stories have been "exploited"--even my look, to some extent, since I too am part-Jewish, as I believe Rachel is--and what is "worse" is that Keanu's vices are, too! I wrote that all, already. If only "merely" writing would have more of the desired effect on people! What I want is justice and fairness and for people to heal from a tragedy--more than one, if you count Fox's, Ava's and Jen's!
Sincerely,
Vivian Taube :)

Vivian Taube, you need help.

Vivan Traube- With all due respect;
Please consider starting your own blog. Many sites offer this service for free. THIS site, however, is much more light-hearted than your flavor of posts. I'm not trying to invalidate what you say, I'm just saying this is probably not the right place for it.
Good Luck.

Vivian Taube :

The people on this comment feedback place are being nice, as they do not want to hurt your feelings, I'd guess, but you must know this : such a long,long,post used to hawk your personal work , or air your art is the equivalent of exploiting here.

It's hard to read your stuff, because it sounds like the ramblings of a person half hammered with Jack Daniels . If I'm wrong, well please forgive me. You write like a person who's passions are dying to be disclosed and , frankly, what you are saying is hard to understand because it is too incoherent. And MUCH ,MUCH too long !
It takes 5 minutes of fast scrolling to get to the bottom of your post so we can do our posting again !

River Pheonix is dead ; he was a drug addict and most of them end up lost or dead. He's not worth all our tears today. Keanu lives- - and we want him to make the most of himself for everybody's sake- -I get ticked at him for doing more harm than good to himself and his career, but I still love him to death.

What is more is that Johnny Depp gave his share of The Viper Room, 51 percent, to Amanda Fox, Anthony Fox’s teenage daughter, who “survived� him, after he “disappeared mysteriously,� around Christmas, 2001, once he’d sued Depp for money! He’d been his partner in the club in recent years, but I believe that Chuck E. Weiss had been, when River OD’ed on Halloween in 1993!

Amazing knowledge, man. Can you do a CliffsNote version of your comment above, Viv?

RE: Moe & post 56:
PLEASE don't encourage her! Next we'll hear she worked for Hoover at the CIA!!
Freeking NUT JOB!!
I acually read most of them (car's in the shop-home with nothing better to do-plus, I have always been amazed by the delusional mind.)
I hope she gets some help---BUT NOT ON HERE!

Yeah really!

Get off my back. Iam sober as of River's OD, as you should be. Keanu, as well. His addiction is well-documented. I should have known better than to post at an abusive site. This is the most corrupt, mean country on Earth, and it produces things like this. Instead of having compassion for someone with PTSD, as I have had, for years, and am getting over, using shamanism, thank Heavens, you "rant" as if I am still drinking--I am not, and I haven't for nearly 12 years, "because of" River--and what I write "makes no sense," when it fact, I write in grammatically correct English that rhymes, no less. My poetry for River and Joaquin were "gifts," particularly that for River. What do I expect from people like you? consistently, women, amazingly enough, have been cruel to me, when it comes to Keanu, totally oblivious of the obvious to anyone sober as long as I've been. I am getting help, and it's working, or else I wouldn't be able to write as well and as long as I do, with such honesty. You "worhip" someone obviously in need of it, too--or berate him, as the case may be. Please, just leave me alone. I love my poetry. There's are no "Cliff notes" for it. Why should I? It's perfectly understandable for any sane, ordinary person. Reactions like some of those here are why I haven't typed up more. And Heart Phoenix liked it, too, in a recent anthology. I was wrong about this site. You just want to comment on the way Keanu looks and nothing deeper, like the underlying problems of society. I should have known. I gave up smoking when Kenneth MacMillan died of a heart attack in late 1992--I recently realized the correlation there, but I better not mention it here! I want to thank those that make kind comments about my work. I felt this blog was "free." I had no idea I'd be "scourged" here, as well, for writing what I think is compassionate poetry about two men I love. Your reactions are only "indicative" for the need to get help, yourselves. No one else has told me I sound drunk, for one, and has not been able to understand the relatively "simple" word constructions of my lines, which are complete sentences, if you look, closely. I resent the implication I don't know how to write well, which isn't true, and that I broke sobriety, at any time, after writing adetailed list of all I've undergone since the day they signed River's autopsy, which should have been a "wake-up" call to so many. I am officially complaining to Michael Heilemann, who runs this site, not that it will do me any good, because he wrote you'd be like this. I wish no one responds. I cannot believe how many times I've been "scourged," on-line and elsewhere for not only being sober because of River's OD, which Keanu should be, but frankly, it is getting hard to care about this, but for being honest about it, as if that is a "bad thing!"

"shamanism"...isn't that the thing you use to dry off your car with after you wash it?

Get off my case. I am complaining to the moderator. You are "too much" for me. Look up shamanism. I really am getting better this way, but what do I expect from a site that would do this to Keanu, anyway? River OD'ed Halloween, 1993, too, so please try to have some compassion! That's in the dictionary, as well as shamanism. And I don't want a drink, so you miss the point, completely. Maybe we should get Dr. Phil in here, and see what he says! Ciao. I really do mean it--leave me alone, please. I get tired of you.

Are you trying to say that River ODing on Halloween and Keanu's Halloween Charles Manson costume are connected? I guess this means that I must write helter skelter all over all the walls here at work. I'll be right back!

Vivian,
I tried to give you a break and read your commentary, but......

Seriously, I think EVERYONE on this site will agree you need some professional help!!
Get it and get it NOW! This is not the place to find help.

Hats off to Yadda...Yadda....Yadda... for reading it.

Sorry Viv. I feel bad for insulting you. I've had a crummy day, and maybe I let a little of it seep over into my comments. I apologize. Good luck with all that you do. but the postings here are shorter.

Viv, no offence but I just read most of that essay of yours and MY GOD girl I am scared for you! Seriously, I am not trying to be rude but you need to go to the nearest hospital, doctor, clinic and get on some antipsychotics. Do you honestly think Constantine was based on your life? That River's spirit has entered you? It is like you live your life entirely based on fantasy. You are extremely good at it, you come accross as really intellegent yet entirely crazy. Have you ever seen the movie "A Beautiful Mind"? If not rent it. How long have you been living this way? Do you not have any family that can help you, I assure you it is not normal.

Thanks, Cyn, for your apology, and Daeneyrs, I am not pleased with the results of your therapy. I will not be back here. You are rude and "unmanageable."

Vivian, we love you here. Please don't mind the other people---they love you too.

We care for our readers (especially the hot ones), so please take a second to read one of our essays in return for what you've given us.

Kindest regards.

http://www.moejackson.com/archives/2004/06/13/the-demands-of-love-leo-to...

Vivian-

This is not the place to air your thoughts on all the things you mentioned . You think people here do not understand and should be more "compassionate". Well, you see, how can anyone be compassionate about something that is so very hard to understand ?

Try this : can you say what it is you are trying to tell us in a few sentences ? Can you compact what your message is ? Is there something we should know about Keanu ? We are talking mostly about him here. Don't feel hurt. Just try to change your style of writing.

I've suffered something awful from certain dimwits on some sites, who think a fan-site is something that amounts to the worship of a golden idol. Some political sites are off their rocker because their candidate has "helpers" who think he's sqweeky clean , and then , they do more harm than good to their own candidate.

Keanu is interesting, and it's true some "fans" don't know anything about him but that he's perfect, if you know what I mean. What is it YOU want to tell us about him? A few words will do.

P.S. You aren't being abused. You don't know what being abused is. Not too long ago some silly Keanu fansite composed of a bunch of baby girls wallowing in extascy over the glory and perfection of Keanu, rejected me only because I suggested to them that their hearthrob was not really a happy man. How's that for an insult to one's intelligence ?

You really do sound distressed, though, Vivian. This commentary site cannot be helpful, I'm afraid. Your going on and on is not fair to others; it's like hijacking the whole works !

You should find someone to discuss your feelings etc. with , but NOT in a place like this.

I was at "The Thumbsucker" viewing in San Francisco that Vivian tried to hickjack the Q and A with her rantings. It was Mike's time to bask in the glory of directing his first feature, not the time to listen to her insane ramblings. If you think they sound nutty in print, you should hear them in a public forum. I think people felt sorry for her and wanted to give her some space. But why should she talk for 10 minutes when others want to ask questions or make comments?

I've also read her writings on IMDb. She needs some help but posting mini-novels on public forums isn't gonna cut it.

Well, I have come to "reflect" on what I wrote here. True, few of you post anything so long, and I am "sorry" for that. But the content of what I write stands. I did check out Moelicious' recommendation, and I recommend it, too, for this site, and I will paste what I wrote there. Bon apetit! By the way, the readers there are much nicer people than here!

Well, my system cuts off the left margin, so I had to “guess� at words. I was referred here by Moelicious, who maybe runs the site. I have not read Tolstoy before. This is pretty deep, and “different� from what I expected at this site, considering the title of it.
I used to be more “selfless,� myself, I admit. I used to be very devoted to a “saint,� rather an avatar, or a woman worshippped as one, globally, who had all sorts of charities that required “menial� tasks, such as cooking and cleaning, and so on. I’d do that for her, because I loved her. Then, when my actual mother got breast cancer, about three years ago–and this woman, Amma is worshipped as an incarnation fo Devi, the divine mother in Hinduism (I’m not Hindu, either, really)–I began to have all sorts of troubles, to the point where I hired a shaman named Lenore Norrgard to help me, earlier this spring. I ended up “giving back� all I bought from Amma over the years, totalling a considerable amount, $3200, especially for someone like me, who is in debt more than I can pay, presently. And I set up an elaborate altar to my “retrieved� soul parts, after she performed a soul retrieval in April, for me–my higher self, so to speak. I had to “reclaim� my divinity from this “spiritual master� I felt was “taking all� from me, and it was “unfair� to me. Plus, her Republican lawyer, Steve Fleisher, harassed me, publicly, for opposing Bush’s wars for oil, on retreat in Michigan, the fall Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Now, we have Bush again, unfairly, as he “seized� power, the first term, didn’t he? And I have come to feel “bitter� about doing “selfless service� for the poor, as it is part of our Constitution that the government should be doing these things. I felt like I was “losing my mind,� as an Amma devotee. I have heard she “wants� your anger, to “transform� it, but with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which I’ve had for years, it can seem like an “endless stream.� One day, about a year ago or so, I woke up and realized this wasn’t changing, and I then found this shamanism I’ve only begun to use, this spring, so I’m still “transforming.� That is where I’m at, though. And I’ve felt “called� to seek enlightenment, as of the moment the first plane struck on September 11th, from my late Uncle Felix’s spirit, but no one has really cared but me! I recently had a dream “related� to this, as I sometimes do. That this shamanism and a women’s spirituality advanced degree program at the California Institute of Intergral Studies in San Francisco, are two ways for me to “fulfill� this “calling!� I am always looking for ways to do that.

Vivian- -HUSH! Don't write another word if you can't stick to one subject and make some short comments . Keep your postings simple and don't go on and on about stories etc. of the past.( Why is all that crap in your head anyhow ?)

Your rantings and ramblings throw a monkeywrench into all of this . That's it about you, now on to some thoughts of mine :

It would be nice to find a fansite where members are allowed to have genuine realistic conversations on the object of their affection etc. ; adult sensible ideas and expressions of genuine perceptions, instead of a lot of pretentious adoration to what is treated as divine, instead of human with human flaws. Those kind of fan sites are in love with an image- and don't even care or know what their man is really like etc. It's sickening. Anybody here know where I can find a down to earth fansite like that ?

Better yet, lets pack our grips and go to visit Keanu. He needs us! Damn ! What good is a fansite anyhow, if we don't make more of an effort to do something for him that goes beyond the website ? Be sure and lets bring him a box of home-made cookies too. We may all have coffee together, and be one of the most valuable experiances of his life.

I know, now I'm sounding weird. * oh well-* it is fun. Humour me.

what is it about keanu that brings out the fucked-up side inside us? I'm very curious. Sorry I have to put it in such harsh terminology, but it is the only way.

"Vivian", don't you ever "worry" about wearing out the "key" on your "keyboard" that has the "quote" symbol on "it". I think you are "crazy" and need "meds". You "posting" here is "extremely" "irritating".

im scared....

Morticia- Are you a coroner in Nebraska? Are you curently also on The Couch Pirates blog too? Someone named Tammy used the name Morticia in one of her witty posts on that blog. Coincidence? Anyway Tammy you're off the hook. Vivian has taken the title of most annoying away from you.

Dear Michael,
I don't want to read these anymore, please. Can you "spam" the responses for me? My system can't seem to do it, and I regret "subscribing" to them! I cannot believe the level of absurdity I read--it hurts, but that's your intent, isn't it? I "appreciate" your page on Tolstoy, but most of this is slander, and anything I post there won't be taken seriously!
Sincerely,
Vivian Taube

Oh my GOD! I seriously can't believe you people. I read this site all the time and never had posted until today when I was at my friends house and I decide to get back on here tonight again and see that you are talking about me being Tammy? How sad you people are that all you have to do in your lives is sit around and figure out anything you can to try and make her look stupid when in fact all you are doing is making yourselves look stupid. You are such assholes that you try and get everyone kicked off or make them leave the site if they don't hate Tammy? Why? Another thing; I'm not Tammy, My real name is not Morticia either but I sure as hell am not going to put my real name. Like I said I had never posted on here before today so I didn't have a user name. I was looking at the links that you guys put up with pictures of Tammy to see what she looked like and when I was reading those pages I saw someone saying something about the name Morticia and so that is the name I chose. I'm sorry that name is not to your liking. It doesn't matter anyway because I'm not going to get on here anymore. All you do is talk about Tammy and bring everybody else down. This is no fun. Fuck you and goodbye! GET A LIFE LOSERS! Tammy was right when she said you are all a bunch of cyber stalkers that are obsessed with her. She isn't even on here and your talking about her still. GEES!

Thanks Moe, for breaking out the Tolstoy Rx.

Morticia --people insult each other pretty regularly here, don't take it to heart. Recently there was an outbreak of posts with faked signatures, an adversarial maquerade ball, and so now people occasionally question other posts' true identities. Tammy gets to post Mon-Friday all day at work so she's usually in the thick of things, attackwise.

DB's wife --thanks!! That was the trippiest rambling concoction I've ever read ...and I was desperate for a "joke" about "excessive" punctuation. Vivian may be sober but she's pretty damn felonious with punctuation, run-on paragraphs and indirection (new topics backed into without proof/explanation). It struck Tammy speechless. 'Nuff said. Holy moly, Keanu, I didn't know you had it in you.

Regarding why, as per a previous remark Cyn made, I believe, people are "nuts," when it comes to Keanu--I thinkKeanu is surrounded with people who are in denial about alcohol and drug abuse, and this is the reason! I know I will get "hounded" for my revelations, as I have for my wonderul poetry River's mother likes--I keep mentioning that. I seem to have "Influenced" a number of people in a positive way with my writing, as well, including Joaquin, Depp, and Keanu! Well, I will go now. Most likely, I will get more "denial," as that is a theme here. Moe wrote me to "unsubscribe" to your caustic remarks here--intentionally so, unfortunately--what do I expect from a site called this? I regret posting here, hoping for "sympathy."

Thanks for not giving me a "hard" time, everybody! :)

Can't anyone here comment on my post about his voice ? I am interested- truely interested- in what your veiwpoint is.

That voice subject is one that comes up again and again in write-ups about the man.
What do you hear when listening to his voice?
Please say something ; this I've been waiting to hear for a long time..

icyhothot...I made a comment about his voice. The very first comment on here I said something about the way he talks.

Okay Tammy- so tell us WHY you said what you did about his voice .

You said he was fine untill he started to speak. So what are you saying ? It's negative, of course, but say a little more to explain yourself, please.

I have read articles describing his voice as "stentorian" (extremely loud) and "stoney" (coldly inexpressive; obdurate) . I disagree with both these ideas.

Whatever, when you talk about Keanu Reeves you have to include the subject of his voice, because it is so often mentioned in the reviews of him. - Icy.

I think his voice is fine. He's not gifted vocally but I think he does OK. For the most part I don't read critics and don't care for them. He voice could be a little more expressive but he tends to underact rather than overact -- the far better choice.

I've seen most of Keanu's movies and I like how his voice has matured with the help of time and cigarettes. In "The Night Before" and the Bill and Ted movies, he has a geeky, hyper voice that reflects youth and inexperience. In "River's Edge" and "Permanent Record", his voice is deeper and bit flat. In his later roles, like "Point Break" and "Speed", he does sound young, dumb and full of cum. In "The Matrix" movies, I think he really found his voice. I also like the doctor for "SGG" and the dentist from "TS". But I always think his voice makes me tingle, even in the hockey commercial from awhile back.

His voice is fine. He needs to stop smoking, if he hasn't, already.
Vivian :)

I disagree, he talks in a MONOTONE. It's always the same, never excitement, never anger. Just the same tone all the time. BORING but HOT.

I had been thinking about this for sometime . Keanu is not the only actor in Hollywood who has had a monotone voice and what has been called poor acting for lack of expression etc. Consider John Wayne and Clint Eastwood- -neather of them really act. They "re-acted" , mostly. They were acclaimed as good actors because they drew the crowds and became popular just for being themselves. John was John and Clint was just Clint and still is. No matter what role he plays he's the same ol' Clint Eastwood but nobody seems to mind ! Likewise, it may be that way with Keanu too. He draws a big crowd; is very much sought-after by the entertainment business, and earns a fat salary. They like Neo, and they consider Keanu the same kind of hero. It's not a bad thing at all, despite what "experts" say. They are scared spitless of "typecasting".

Anyhow- - - back to his voice : I will again put it this way :- his voice , to me, is as intimate as the rustle of sheets.

umm... he is doing a good charity.

Admirable!

BUT

shave!

yes, that's fine- - what you said, but what does it have to do with his voice ? How do you react to it ? Honestly, I want to know.

I think Keanu is soft-spoken in "real life," so when he speaks on TV or even when he acts, he needs to "force up" a stronger voice. I think that's why it sounds flat sometimes -- it's too forced. It's his "professional" voice. I bet that in person, in a casual situation, his voice is much more expressive -- I've heard it in some interviews when he starts to drop his guard. Which is ironic, because he is an actor and should be able to fake it anytime he wants.

Regarding his style, it is very strange. I have never seen a man who could wear a suit jacket with a t-shirt and jeans and get away with it the way Keanu does. The shoes may be comfortable, but he wears them with inappropriate outfits, and they are filthy, they need to be cleaned! My guess is that he really doesn't care how he looks when he's not working. Which is obvious from the scruffy beard and awful-looking hair. He can be such a prince when he's all cleaned up (hair looking good, close-cropped beard of clean-shaven, the way he looked at the Cannes Film Festival a few years ago). I love the man, but excuse me for saying that in some pictures he looks like he smells bad. I mean, he looks like he has a personal hygiene problem sometimes. I'm not saying that he does (because I don't know him and have never met him), but to an outsider, that's how he LOOKS. Lately all my fantasies about him start with giving him a good scrubbing and being his barber, LOL.

By the way, I just finally read Vivian's comments.

Listen Vivian, I am not being cruel to you or anything, but the things you write point out that you have some sort of paranoid disorder. Becky Band's decisions, the Constantine script, video game release dates....they have nothing to do with you or your life, or any of your experiences. None of it has anything to do with you. You may think it does, but that is the result of your brain chemistry being skewed.

I am glad that you apparently are getting help. I am glad that you got sober; that is a very good thing. But your sobriety date has nothing to do with River Phoenix or films or bands or video games or judge's rulings or ANYTHING. Your sobriety date is just your sobriety date. It has no bearing on anything else in the rest of world except for your own life, and perhaps the lives of your close friends and family members who consider it significant to them.

I wish you luck. I hope you will soon be able to see how skewed your thinking has become and breath the clean air of reality.

I also think it would be better for you not to post such long comments and poems on other people's blogs. It sheds a bad light on your personality. Please start your own blog or your own website. This is just friendly advice.

10pearl,

I don't know you ,but I have a feeling I'd like to meet you . For once someone has the courage to lay it on the line as things really are instead of trying to be the eternal optimist about the negative. It's tireing and so hypocritical to have to "walk on eggshells" when talking about Keanu, and the way things are with him now , for fear of offending someone.

I feel the same way you do about him as he's been lately. Actually more like the last 2 years. It pains me to say that but it's that way- - the man acts as if he was on a self-destruction binge. I feel SO bothered by that , because I'm a devoted fan of his.

He runs around looking like a rag-picker off the streets, and he could afford any kind of expensive outfit he desired if he wanted to. I wonder if he ever has that jacket of his cleaned, or will he just throw it away when it becomes too dirty to wear ? And it's true- he's been wearing that nasty old stained faded spinach-colored t-shirt for years as far as I can see. You can't help but ask yourself: "does he ever wash it ?" Most bachelors don't care much about "neat and clean". And those shoes are another staple of his; he even wears them for dress-up. Surely, Keanu must be smarter than that ! If he does'nt care , we must ask ourselves "why not ???"

He has such a beautiful , truely beautiful face,...and hides it behind a rat's nest of hair . It's as if he dosen't care, but he is making a HUGE mistake in thinking that way ! I'm sorry, Keanu, but if you want to hang onto a good career, you are going to have to think about the people and what they are looking for in you; what they see you is as important when you are off screen as on-screen. It's simple arithmatic, dear, your image is what brings people to your movies. If you become obliterated to them you may as well be prepared to watch your career circle the drain, and then it really WON'T matter what you look like.

All those who harp about how he "has the right" to be himself ; dress as he wants to " yada yada, don't know what they're talking about. He's a celebrity, and his face is his fortune, and he should keep up a good image so people don't just forget him. He takes too much for granted.

I watched him in "A Walk in the Clouds" a couple of days ago. What a striking and unusual person he was ! He looked so tall and graceful, and his face - - well, -- there was'nt another in Hollywood that could match it; it was elegant. He was also unbeleivably handsome in his other films, those high-cheekbones and all. It is so heartbreaking to see him destroy his own self !

You needn't apologize, by the way, for suggesting he needs a good scrubbing. I hate to say this, but my respect for honesty is getting the best of me ----, and he, well...Keanu has a reputation for smelling bad. That's putting it in kinder terms; I have read the work "stink" in articles about him. Why does'nt that man take a hint ? He was even asked to leave a restaurant once because he smelled so bad. What is going on with him ?

He's a man who could have so much, including a home, wife and family, but he kills his own chances. It is my opinion that he is much, much more shy that anyone knows when it comes to women. It's as though he does'nt have a good pride in himself, and he's afraid of attention. What a bad, bad, mistake ! He needs those journalists and media people very much, and if he keeps turning his back on them they will soon quit trying.

My heart breaks for him-; I think he's very alone.

um, yeah. We have a few people who *really* like Keanu here. I don't think I could ever write such a long, and rather odd post like that.

Oh my god. That has to be the most disturbing thing in the world.

KEANU MUST DIE *grabs pitchfork and prepares an angry mob to smash down his door*
Hey, if he can just be THE scary, why can't we try being scary too?

I think you just did.

Vivian Taube…grusse dich
With interest do I read you posting. You connect many things. Which is one thing the wolves roaming the hills do not really like. Luckily for them, they can be assured of the disbelieve of the audience, knowing that the audience will reject your writings and the information contained therein. As always the disbelieve of the outsiders function as the protection shield for the insiders.

You are very correct about the subjects you write. As well as the movies and the occurrences and real live effects due to the causes/movies. One big magic ride through the magical hills dictated by paganist, who love rituals, and whose tasks it is to evoke and transform by mesmerizing its audience.
‘ Rivers’ trying to get a message across by using you. Not uncommon , to those who know some about the spirit world and its connection to the living, those who are open to receive them. I believe you, that he is doing his best to use your person to warn, esp Keanu Reeves. In order to understand the living one must be silent and listen to the death, a law of nature that you abide.

You are very much correct that K.R must stop his drug habits, absolutely. The problem is that he is inside the vicinity that controls the spirit of all who roam these ‘streets’. Never forget how the H.-hills ones where formed, and what it means to be a paradise bird, locked within these hills and tied to by the means of Contracts. All who fall under Contract..classify as ‘ paradise birds’ and are seen as subjects, that can and will be used in their grand scheme of things. After all, he who controls the media controls the minds of the flocks.
You are doing your best to warn and to tell others that they must tell K.R to stop drinking-smoking and using other drugs.. there are reasons why he does so…and there are reasons why those you contact ignore you.

>� I asked Mike’s help getting Keanu sober, which he then painfully ignored, at the “Thumbsucker� premiere.

They do not want K.R to become sober. They do not want him to become that what destiny has in store for him, and they know exactly what this destiny is. The Matrix trilogy showed his potentiality of mesmerizing the audience into believing certain things, which was and is not what ..lets say the system wants. Therefore they play certain games with this man, games that officially he would be aware of , if his blood would be clean and he would sleep well.
The road he was walking showed what his future would be. The movie choices he made, aware or unaware, all functioned as leads to what he should become. They recognized his future, and as such actions have and are planned against him. Sober he would be aware of their games, yet..
You show that you know what sort of games they play, yet you also seem to fail to understand completely what and who they are for real. But then I could be wrong.

When the house that contain the spirit is filled with grief, not understanding, seeking a feeling it knows to exist, yet not finding it, seeking to understand, yet rejecting many clues loosing hope not believing in love no more, the spirit clashes with the house, that starts to hate himself, seeking penance by ways of acting in front of the camera as well as away from the camera.. the house demands tranquilisers. Simply because the house does not want to feel, yet at the same time seeks to feel because it can not feel anymore. Thus creating its own curse. Which is what K.R is doing.
He at one time believed in Love..he started to seek for his Soul mate..thinking that he found it a few times, yet discovering at a later date..that he was wrong. K.R failed to understand the many that was shown to his mind, or he feared to believe that what he was shown. He mistakenly looked for a soul mate , yet this is not in actuality, what he should have looked for..cause what he seeks to find, is not about soul-mates..a soulmate is family in the spiritual sense.. mistakenly seen by many as love because of the sense of feeling sameness or a kindred. K.R should have looked for his soul-twin-flame..because this is what he is feeling..and its his soul-twin-flame that seemingly has been calling him, guiding him and even protecting him.. simply because this is what K.R his destiny officially is and its connected to his other half, which is the reason why he simply can not resist travelling towards Europe, she calls him..according the spirit world messengers..K.R used to be aware of cause and effect..he lost this awareness due to alcohol and drugs.

His mistake is that he fails to acknowledge that whatever he does will affect his other half roaming the earth, probably feeling the same as he does..affecting 7x7 others…why he fails to acknowledge this fact of universal law, is because he does not believe anymore..he used to believe , but he let go of this believe..not with the death of River..nor with the lost of his child, they caused sorrow, anger and guilt..he regained his believe afterwards.. the year 2003 something happened, that caused him to even strengh’ten his believe…yet his eyes showed the lost of this spirit as of the year 2004. Which seems to be the year that he started to drink and drug more then he used to, turning him into seemingly a cold man, who favors sex, rather then love.
I wonder when did he move into the Hills?

When disappointment of the heart becomes the norm, the house looses its senses, the soul closes its doors, and the mind rejects that what could lead to its own understanding..

You are very much correct.. Keanu Reeves has to stop living his live the way he is currently doing so..if he fails to regain himself back, he will loose himself completely and they will have won. However the trap that he is dealing with on a daily basis is his health.. I read you saying that it has been told or confirmed that he lost his spleen? Hmmm …we can not live and be healthy without our spleen. It’s a lymphoid organ. In its follicles lymphocytes are formed. The spleen plays a very important role, in the breaking down process of old erytrocyten, in the forming of anti-bodies and lymphocytes , in the cellular and amice defence of the organism, in the clearing of bacteria in case of bacteriemie and in fagocytose.
The spleen is one of our cleaning organs, just as the liver and kidneys are.

If he would be walking around without a spleen, then he must be in pain all the time, he must get skin rashes, have unexplained pains, sleep bad (which can cause a person to fear the night, thus activating the person to drink/drugs) he must be feeling as if his suffocating from the inside..because the presence of body foreign bacteria in the blood, needs the spleen to clear the blood of these bacteria’s, without it, these bacteria’s can cause infections randomly within the whole body. If K.R indeed walks around without his spleen, he must be taking medications..esp. painkillers. If this be the case, then its no wonder that he drinks more and more, that he can not let go of smoke, and that he has become extremely sexual in his behaviour. These painkillers when taken to long and more then one should, which always happens when one take them to long, the next thing occurs.. the need for sex, simply because this is the only time when the body feels something and can shut its mind of for one moment And sex protects him from loosing his hearth.

But in the end there is more to K.R then meets the eye, simply because he feels and sees more then the average John Do. The paranormal world has opened her doors many times to his presence, and this has made him who he is.not his father. He knows there is more then meets the eyes, but he seem to have grown tired of this knowing, which is understandable. Cause the more you know the less you know.

Vivian..You are correct..to listen to ‘Rivers’ and wanting to warn Keanu..he needs somebody to tell him what will happen if he does not stop..he will loose more then his health, and he will not be the only one loosing..he will drag those who care for him with him..he must be told that there are ways of dealing with his health, his mental state of mind, and his believe. His future is not that what is shown to the world right now..he is merely in a schooling phase he is being prepared for something else..but if he does not stop certain things, this moment will have to be passed on to another house and time..which is not what should happen…for he contains a great spirit and wisdom...
Yet you must realise, you are in the knowing, the audience is not. as such what seems simple and clear to you, will be seen as rambling by those who lack the ability to connect things.

And one thing I would like to say to the people on this board, what is this programmed behaviour, complaining about his shoes? His shoes tell you exactly what sort of man he is, a man who does not like to be told what to do and hates to be pressured into things.

Sincerely..

Dear Nymosyn,
Thank you so much for posting here! I "regretted" my long blog, as you can tell, from comments above, but it is so nice to get positive feedback, for once, about it, as well as my warranted "concerns" about Keanu's health! I am not sure how to comment on all you wrote, but I do believe he has stopped drinking and smoking, in public, at least, and this is partly "due to" me. :) I write him whenever he "strays," and lately, it is working!
I agree with you, too, about how he looks, off-work. I think he's really handsome with a beard and mustache, and I'll "defend" this--especially if people here "are nasty" about this.
I like to dress down, all the time, myself, so I have "no trouble" with him doig this. I bet he smells fine, too, aside from his smoking and the drinking I hope he's stopped for real! so such comments are just "beyond belief!"
He should stop riding his motorcycle, though. I doubt he will ever agree with me about this. :)
I don't wear animal skins, myself. I guess I "take after" River and his family this way, as they are mostly vegans and don't wear those, either. I try to be vegan, but I'm mostly vegetarian. I don't eat meat, ever. I'm a bit "surprised" Keanu still does and wears animal skins, but one "vice" at a time, please! :)
You seem to know a lot about many things. I just wrote my poetry from the heart, because River's spirit really did "run through me," as I wrote in the intro, last year. I really did expect it to be about three verses, initially, not 23 volumes! :) It was so much "fun" writing that, too, aside from the heartache and anger that could come up for me, at times. I "knew" there'd be a "boon" in it for me, as well, and there was. River's spirit lifted the worst of a depression that was suicidal for me, last year, when Indiana was being born, and he "bid" me to "live on" for him. I try, but I don't know the family!
So much has happened since then, that when I "finally" begin to type up more poetry, I find myself continuing the writing, to "update." He really did save my life, too, as I wrote there, repeatedly, and it is so "refreshing" to findl a person here who "understands" that, since so many have been "mean" to me.
It is as if I am the "only one" sober "as of" River's autopsy date, and it is "scary!" I'm really grateful to Joaquin for getting into rehab and making part of my dream a "reality."
Anyone who really loves Keanu and people "related to" River, would agree with me--these people need sobriety! And Keanu needs to stop smoking. The court system should have had so many under order to get into rehab, long ago. And the Viper Room should have been closed, as well. The list is as follows: Depp, the Afflecks, everyone on "Idaho," Russell Crowe, Christian Slater, and John Phoenix, to name a few. I can think of more, but that is the "core" list River's spirit gives to me. :) Joaquin was not even on it, so I hope he helps me! :)
And thank you, again, for "supporting" me, morally. It means a lot to me. I had no idea I'd get abused so often, when it comes to this poetry, either. I thought people would be "happy" for me, as you are. :)
River was my "main muse," obviously, last year, and Joaquin, this year. Keanu just "happens" to come up in both pieces, because of his "unique experience" with his family. I've never seen anything like it--to have such "good luck" in terms of cinematic glory, on the one hand, and to suffer so much, "privately," on the other.
I don't like R-rated movies, and I hope he stops making those. I get a bit "tired" of "chasing after" dreams of getting him sober, along with others, but I get a "kick," feeling like it is working! I think River "works with" me, at times, and I'm grateful to his spirit for doing so much for me! I don't understand why people who knew and were "related to" him don't always feel the way I do. At times, I feel "sadomasochistic" to post at sites like these, so obviously "out there!"
I am "not perfect," either. I am heavy, and I hate to admit this here, since people are so "down" on Keanu's looks, and his physique is "nearly perfect," for one. I am grateful the shamanism I'm employing lately is helping me with the PTSD, too. I do wish I'd stop feeling "used" by Warner Brothers, regarding my sobriety story.
I think Keanu bought his house in the Hollywood hills last year. It's "nice" for him he has a place to call home, now, after living in hotels, most of his adult life, aside from Kim's. He even stayed at the Chateau Marmont, and that is where John Belushi OD'ed in 1982! That's "not OK."
I thought you need a spleen! Well, if that is the case, then he has all the more reason to be sober. I do not see him out with anyone, lately, except the "ever-present" Amanda DeCadenet, at her book promotion, recently. They are "old flames," and she appears to have left her husband, John Taylor, of Duran Duran, long ago, "for" him, though she bore John a child, Atlanta. I figure this relationship is "deep" for this reason.
Well, I will go now. Thanks again for your "support." I decided to check this website, again, because of a voice in my heard, Rebecca Walker's, who is Alice Walker's and Mel Leventhal's daughter, and a writer and activist herself, of course. I had responses "erased" from my update list, so I don't know what is written here, unless I check now! Maybe I should "get updated," since this is getting to be more what I'd like to read!
Love to all,
vivian Taube :)

Dear Vivian..

I am glad that my posting created a better feeling within your person. Keep this feeling, do not let anybody make you feel bad, nor put you down. Just remember it’s the messenger that is seen as dangerous and as such will the messenger always be attacked. This attacking behaviour that roams within the minds of those who attack, comes from fear of the unknown. The many have been programmed to regard certain words and truths as being true, false or even dangerous. The reaction therefore will be attack, ridicule and doubt the mental state of the messenger..this is weakness on their behalf, showing the many who attack to be sheep, followers of those who pull the strings..these are minds that can never be trusted, simply because they will follow the leader, whoever the leader may be, at the same token they will drop this leader when a new leader shows his face..it’s the way of the flocks, such as it has always been. Yet in our times..this old doctrine simply does not work no more, even that we see the powers that be, doing their utmost best to spread news about the many who are having mental problems..that can be recognized by their way of talking and the words they use and truths they proclaim.
Just ignore these programmed minds..do not waste your precious energy, by responding. There are better ways to use your energy.

What you are encountering presently is what others have experienced already, and is what many are experiencing right now on a daily basis. Simply because the portals have been opened years ago, and were blown wide open on the day of the 9/11. Earth energies rising, energies changing, planets making strange conjunctions etc those earth energies becoming in tune with the sky energies. Changing the awareness of all inhabitants on earth. And changing the weather along with it.

>� I agree with you, too, about how he looks, off-work. I think he’s really handsome with a beard and mustache, and I’ll “defend� this–especially if people here “are nasty� about this.

People are nasty about how he dresses etc simply because their mindsets is very much dictated by jealousy, envy and insecurities. The flocks always need to be able to curse and comment on those who are lucky enough to be able to do that, what seems to be the soul wish and desire of many..to be standing in the light of success..
K.R looks good, is a very sexy man, has an excellent belly/chest, keeps himself to himself..he contains a promise to whoever wins his heart for real, of absolute devoted passion…he can adapt to his surroundings.. never looses contact with his audience..is very smart, contains a old wise soul.. goes by one law nobody is above others..feels for those who suffer..hates injustice and demands of others as much as he gives himself..needs comfort , seeks to relax.. and this is how he dresses. And when it comes to his beard..next to it functioning as a shield/mask there is a another reason, shaving your face everyday ages the face of a man.

>� I am not sure how to comment on all you wrote, but I do believe he has stopped drinking and smoking, in public, at least, and this is partly “due to� me. :) I write him whenever he “strays,� and lately, it is working!

Good..now lets hope that he will get the message..and take the message serious.

>� He should stop riding his motorcycle, though. I doubt he will ever agree with me about this.

No he will never stop riding his bike..and rightly so. He is a free spirit and needs to be able to get up and leave whenever he wants to. Free spirits can not be bound..never. Believe me a motorcycle esp. traditionall Harley's make you go Woah!

>� I am “not perfect,� either. I am heavy, and I hate to admit this here,

You do not have to be heavy, you know this..fact if you want I can help you loose the extra luggage..personal experiences and knowledge..

>� You seem to know a lot about many things.

Consider me an insider, standing on the outside looking in.

>� And the Viper Room should have been closed, as well. The list is as follows: Depp, the Afflecks, everyone on “Idaho,� Russell Crowe, Christian Slater, and John Phoenix, to name a few. I can think of more, but that is the “core� list River’s spirit gives to me.

I agree with the above concerning the Viper Room. What’ s in a name? Many know by now, thanks to the Kabalah trend, that names as well as words have power, that is being fed every time the name or word is spoken out loud. Suffism the father of this knowledge.
Viper; kinds of venomous snake. (fig) malignant or treacherous person. So its understandable why so many things have happen in that place..
The list of names you have are quit interesting.. but isn’t Russel Crowe not already lost to the other side? And isn’t Depp kind of locked in this spiders web ( because he loves playing games..)? And does Slater not keep falling back?

>� I do wish I’d stop feeling “used� by Warner Brothers, regarding my sobriety story.

Stop feeling used..is the beginning of loosing this feeling of being used. Realise that your story is not the only story they have been using, I can give you many life stories of people living on the outside, who know that their stories have been and are being used..there is reason why this happens.
The reason… I will not put down here, but if you wish to converse about this reason you may contact me if you wish too. This is an invitation.

You mentioned Constantine..Rachel Weis her personality in the movie. I believe you. Why? For one thing I know that they used 2 young men, who have this hobby roaming the internet, checking forums, in order to become inspired, or simply steal the info/writings and experiences of others, claiming it to be their own..such as many who work in the H-stables do.
You know as well as many who know the story/comics of Constantine , that lots in the movie did not come from this comic story..one example;
“ What if God made a bet with the devil..the bet being who would have the most souls..in the end of times.etc etc � this part came from the minds of these young males, who have been applauded in H-world for their imagination.

The person who wrote this years and years ago..is known. What if God made a bet with the devil..has a beginning as how god came to make this bet with the devil, which was due to god loosing one bet with the devil in the first place..and why the second bet was made, who wins this bet..and what happens when the bet is won..cause and effect..is the name of the story..the person who wrote this story, is a mind who woke up years and years ago, and put only a part of the story on certain forums..imagine the reaction of this person when the person saw this movie..
The above is just giving you one example of how and from where these H-script kids get their stories.
Holywood/movie world is a reflection of that what happens in real live..without the experiences and horrors of the real world peoples, there would be no Movie wonderland..

>� I think Keanu bought his house in the Hollywood hills last year.

Hmm as I thought this to be the case ..he should have never ever bought a house in the hills…its one mind controlled heavenly prison for all who enter the hills. The hills are laying on very strong energy laylines..which was the reason for using this location to become the centre for the movie world..magic..Not one person living there is free, their success in live falsifies their senses thinking themselves to be free..in the beginning..if they wake up in time and leave the hills , they regain their freedom and themselves, if they remain.. Strange and bad things can happen to them. If this would be ordered by..

>� It’s “nice� for him he has a place to call home, now, after living in hotels, most of his adult life, aside from Kim’s

Why people think that it’s a bad thing for people to be travelling and living in hotels is beyond me..its freedom..look at Keanu as one of the lost Gypsies..

Vivian..if you would like to, I invite you for a more private communication about the whole matter..
As you say I seem to know some..true..more then you can imagine…there is a reason why River decided to have a resting place in your house/body..he knew that you would not reject him, nor that you would be fearfull..there is a reason why he did so..why do I think that I know what the reason is? Channelling spirits is old news to my person….and seeing the future has been my way since childhood.
There are reason why.. even if you do not want to.. are focussing unaware on K.R. ~ Rivers~ knows what is coming to K.R if he is not warned and he does not listen…I know this as well..lest say that some window shields were taken away in order for me to be able to look inside…why ? hmmm you got ~ Rivers~ knocking on your shoulders…due to your connection…K.R has been roaming in the same the world for years and years …same places same countries..to me he was a boy..may have been the reason why I was shown certain things…and as such do I see his live unfolding in exactly the same way as it has been showed to my eyes..and as such can I give you certain information that you can use and do with as you please..afterall I am not his mother..and you write “I write him whenever he “strays,� and lately, it is working!

Sincerely Nymosyne

im 13 years old and I cant honestly say that i have read everything yall have written. but i have read is interesting, very entertaining, kinda like a short story. i found this site by looking up keanu reeves, Keanu is a HOT-T w/ a BOD-D baby! i g2g but im gonna read the rest after i print it out. peace out!

Heather,
Please save yourself the time and waste of paper by printing all of that out, much less reading it.

bah.. in these pics that beards way past the ouch part. I wouldn't mind feeling it on me! hehe

Thanks, Nymosyne, Ted, and Heather. I appreciate your "support," once again. Most people are vile to me about Keanu and my vain efforts to get him sober. I'm afraid he's not. He gave "Playboy" an interview I don't approve of--either what he said or where he said it--and that indicates his need to be in rehab. He needs to stop smoking, too, and I disagree with Nym--he needs to stop riding his bike, as he still rides without a helmet or headlights. But he is "past caring" about me, if he ever cared at all, which I think he once did, maybe. Not that we met, but I think he and WB "liked" my sobriety story, as of River's OD. I don't think many people in the industry care about it, now, though. They are "past caring," it seems. It is late, and I was searching for comments I made that got trashed on-line, and here are some. But I remember Nym's kind comments, and here are more, and Heather's and Ted's, too. I'm flattered. Usually, there is such an aura of denial about the River-Keanu story that I don't know what to do. They were infatuated with each other, as well, I believe, and that is something Keanu never "disdains" to talk about. For the most part, I think I'm wrong to post anything about any of them on-line, since I get routinely harassed or what I write gets deleted here. I have developed sort of a thick skin here. I am surprised anyone at a site calle Bastardly would come to my aid, either! Thanks you all!
Love,
Vivian Taube
P.S. I am actually trying to get a site for Keanu where I'm harassed in a big way taken off, since the administrator won't even "talk" to me, anymore. It is very strange being the "only one" sober since Riv's autopsy, and my only explanation is Depp's mob activity, but it is more complex than that, I'm sure.

wow; i was straight but after reading that passage I think I need to get high. Eerily reminiscent of the ramblings of Teddy K (Unabomber). Don't open any packages from Vivian Taube....especially if your last name is Phoenix or Reaves

Schizophrenia. Look into it, seriously.

Do Keanu's reps know this person is stalking him? I'm scared and I don't even know her, but I can tell you this...if she was writing to me I'd be going for the hobo look too.

DAMN!

Whoa. Vivian thinks that Keanu Reeves quit smoking and drinking in public because she writes him letters whenever he 'strays'?!!! I really do think that she's paranoid schizophrenic. That's not being mean at all. I'm serious as I can be that anyone who connects together all of these completely unrelated things has a serious mental issue.

Funniest shit ever

P.S. I gave up licking Sonoran Toads when Danny Bonaduce's ghost penis flew to Saturn

funniest shit ever is correct...this entire commentary...wtf. and damn, people must really love them some keanu...i think he's handsome but i sure don't give a damn about his voice haha.

[...] For deeper thoughts on Keanu’s mental condition see some of the comments in this post. [...]

OMG BEARD......LOOKS MORE LIKE PUBES! THATS JUST THE MOST WORST PIC OV KEANU REEVES EVA BUT I THINK HEZ FUCKING HOT !!!!!! HEZ SO FIT BUT THAT BEARDS GOTTA GO IM PREATY SURE SANDRA BULLOCK DOESNT LIKE IT THAT MUTCH HE LOOKS BETTER WITHOUT THE MINGE PUBE MUSH. BUT HEZ STILL SEXY !!!!!! GOTTA NICE ARSE LOL BYZ BE EXELENT TU EACH OUTHER !!!!!!

Hi

Very interesting information! Thanks!

G'night

Why oh why doesn't he get rid of those weird 80's shoes? Are those things even around anymore? I have not seen those in like, 20 years!! It's all he wears. AAUUGGHH!!

And Girl, I apologize for my fashionless comments. Silly me! I thought this was the Bastardly site, not the Vogue site! Please forgive an old lady....

As far as I'm concerned Keanu Reeves has always had the most handsome face in show business. It has been truely outstanding , with lovely bone structure(as in the high cheek boneds etc. messmerisng dark eyes that are a touch exotic..; there just has,t been anyone else like him in looks or personality.

But lately I'd like do spend some time with him and give some life- saving tips. He does look like scroughy rag-picker from off the streets, and needs to straighting up and put on some weight. Maybe he is going through some midlife crisis, and this is his eay of attracting attention and trying to match the other young actors in trying to look hip. Poor guy; he needs the advise and attetion of a good woman. He is killing himself. but still very striking;at least in hi movies, where they fix his hair right. He needs a fan to recue him !

I love him, but I must say he looks like one of the 10 Disciples in that pic.

Hey, is it true that Keanu's dating Diane Keaton? I like them both but bet they could shop for clothes together at flea markets. An odd pairing to be sure.

KEANU IS NOTHING SHORT OF FANTASTIC- EVERY WHICH WAY.

“Phoenix Rising�

Volume 1

Dedicated with love to River Phoenix

By Vivian Taube

Introduction

I wrote this epic poem in the spring of 2004, after going on the so-called “Hollywood retreat� at Deer Park Monastery, in March of that year. I had just “learned� that River Phoenix’s autopsy was signed on the exact day I got into sobriety, November 15th, 1993. Other things had happened that day, too, that made me feel this was “no coincidence� for me. In fact, the more time goes on, the more I feel November 15th has a “magical quality.� But nothing compared, really, to finding out about River Phoenix’s autopsy, since it was signed on exactly that day.
The night after the retreat, I was staying in the Bayside Hotel in Santa Monica, California, on my long way home to the San Francisco Bay area, and this poem began to come to me. I initially thought it’d be about three verses, about this “latest discovery,� this “coincidence� that wasn’t any, about November 15th. But I felt like River’s spirit literally became a river flowing through me, and I didn’t stop writing for four months, after 23 volumes of poetry! I have never experienced anything like it, as a writer, before or since. The process of writing made me happy and largely alleviated a depression that was suicidal for me—I feel as if his spirit was doing that for me. About halfway through this process, he came to me, in a vision and “bid� me to “live on� for him, in spirit, as he stood beneath a shade tree on the family ranch in Micanopy, and I agreed. I later learned that his nephew, Indiana August Affleck, was being born to his youngest sister Summer Phoenix and Casey, who only quite recently married her, about the time Indiana turned one--at the time of this particular “update,� September 4, 2005. His brother, Ben, also recently married Jennifer Garner, in his fourth engagement—his first being to Gwyneth Paltrow, then two to Jennifer Lopez, the second ending when he took Christian Slater to a strip club in Vancouver. Slater's wife Ryan Haddon then slashed his face at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas—where John Entwistle died of a heart attack exacerbated by cocaine on the eve of The Who’s reunion tour, the year prior—and the second broken engagement cost Lopez a million dollars! She married Marc Anthony, who moved in, right away. Garner is pregnant, by the way and due in November, "ironically." Ben needs to be sober, still, after all these years, as do the rest of the Afflecks.
In fact, my "partial list" of likely candidates for this include Depp, John Phoenix (River's and Joaquin's father), the Afflecks, everyone on "My Own Private Idaho," as cast and crew did drugs to do the sex scenes, Slater, Brad Pitt, Axl Rose, Keifer Sutherland, Matt Dillon, and Russell Crowe, to say the least. Christian was just arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct on May 31st, this year, which was Indiana's first birthday, and Slater had "taken over" for River in at least one movie, “Interview with a Vampire,� and gave her fee to River’s environmental cause, after his OD. Russell was arrested near then, for attacking a hotel employee with a phone, too, also intoxicated—he is being charged with a felony. I’d like to state my opinion on this case, and that I feel he should be made to go to rehab, as Joaquin did, recently—and perhaps the judge would be more lenient! He was with Joaquin in the film which won Joaq an Oscar nomination, "Gladiator," which I did see, and it’s “too violent� for me! And, as we know, Brad was involved with Angelina Jolie, thus ruining his first marriage to Jennifer Aniston, recently—and he even profited off a photo shoot with Jolie where they were depicted with a little family, not to mention “Mr. And Mrs. Smith,� which is “too graphic� for me.
Last year, I began to contact people all about November 15, 1993, and what it means to me, via email and hand-written letters—and two calls, long distance, to River’s agent, Iris Burton, who hung up on me, twice, Mother’s Day, when I expected her to be “happy� for me, regarding my sobriety as of River’s autopsy date. I don’t want to be “hard� on her, however, as she said she has cancer, and I have sympathy for her.
However, I did not type up much of the poetry, except the first several pages, on September 2, 2004, which was Keanu Reeves’ 40th birthday—I felt this was “fitting,� somehow. I think this is now “embarrassing,� since I don’t believe he cares that much that I’m sober as of River’s autopsy date, or if he and Warner Brothers do, where I wrote him, last year, they just “use� it, but don’t “heed� what it means. However, a “significant� factor I did not start to type up more until a friend I met on-line named Julia Hübner from Germany repeatedly encouraged me to do so, even including the first “small� piece in a tribute to River she self-published, this year. She wants to be a revision of it, and one for Joaquin, too, but I guess I wrote a short one, already! Julia had collected letters for Joaquin on-line, when he was in rehab, and he’d signed her guestbook, too, apparently!
Perhaps the best thing to come of this experience so far is that Joaquin Phoenix entered a rehab in April of 2005—after I’d written the family, via his father’s restaurant and cabins in Montezuma, Costa Rica, which River had bought for him after he began to make money in the movies in the 80s. Whenever I tried to write his mother, Arlyn Phoenix, via the family ranch in Micanopy, Florida, the postmaster would send things back to me—the last time, last year, taking three months to return a pretty piece of stationery!
What is more is that Johnny Depp gave his share of The Viper Room, 51 percent, to Amanda Fox, Anthony Fox’s teenage daughter, who “survived� him, after he “disappeared mysteriously,� around Christmas, 2001, once he’d sued Depp for money! He’d been his partner in the club in recent years, but I believe that Chuck E. Weiss had been, when River OD’ed on Halloween in 1993!
And Rain Phoenix spoke for the first time on the Criterion Collection edition of “My Own Private Idaho,� in conversation with Laurie Parker, the film’s producer, recorded in September of 2004. I’m proud of her, only they didn’t mention the drugs cast and crew did to do the sex scenes, from which River never did recover, obviously. Also Rodney Harvey, who played Gary in the movie, OD’ed in 1998, and this wasn’t mentioned, either! Neither was Bob Pitchlynn's death, on New Year's Eve, 1999, if I'm not mistaken. He played Walt in the movie and the character of Bob Pigeon was loosely based on him.
As I wrote before, I emailed Keanu Reeves, via the Warner Brothers’ website, all about November 15, 1993, and in his latest movie, “Constantine,� for that company, they seem to have loosely based characters, played by Rachel Weisz, on me, since, for one, she bears some physical resemblance to me and has a Jewish name, “like� me. Also, in it, she is “saved� by the Virgin Mary, in one scene, and Catholicism and suicidal tendencies are part of the story! No one has paid or even consulted me—and I would not have given my permission to “use� my November 15th story, since the movie is “too graphic,� and Keanu, as Constantine, smokes, drinks, does movie kung fu, has sex scenes, and curses, throughout the film—and his blood sister Kim Reeves has battled leukemia for years!
Also, Keanu's had many DUIs, including one in the 80s, in Topanga Canyon, where he "lost his spleen," according to "Hardball" directors' commentary, when he shut off his motorcycle's headlights! And Erwin Stoff, his manager of many years, acknowledged it was removed, in a documentary. I didn’t know you could live without one of those!
What is more is that when I posted long pieces about everything at the site for a band, Becky, which Keanu has played bass in, everything was deleted, and I was “banned� from posting further, amid insults, when I put that Johnny Depp is in the mob and needs to leave! I also feel that he should be indicted for mob crimes, but who will listen to me? My fear is that he will not want to hear this from me, but I am trying not to care and be brave and “speak� my feelings here. This happened twice to me at that site, since I posted parts of this poetry and another long piece I wrote, "Saving Joaquin," there, recently--about 50 pages, total. That makes me feel that the band is probably mob-related, as well, but we’ll see! I have since emailed the LAPD and the Justice Department, even Bush and Cheney, repeatedly—I even called the LAPD, long distance—to “no avail.� They get "evasive," when I mention that Depp is in the mob, asking me who River was and what the Viper Room is, and this is "unacceptable" to me. However, I feel like I should “go easy� on Becky, since they are suffering, no doubt, financially, without Keanu playing! I have heard Alex Winter, who was in the “Bill and Ted� movies with Keanu in the 80s and early 90s, said that this was “unusual,� in that the women who’d come would cluster near the side of the stage where Keanu was playing his guitar, and I’m sure it was “funny!� I’m sorry I missed that—if anybody has it on video, I’d like to see, because his bar band days may be over, “because of� me!
Keanu had left the band, shortly before the first time I did this, telling the press that he “can’t� tour and record, as it wants to. It had played at The Viper Room, unbelievably, until I “warned� them all not to, via its lead guitarist, Paulie Kosta, on-line. A judge had been trying to shut it down, as well as Arlyn Phoenix, undoubtedly! I wrote him that I didn’t want him to leave the band, and last I read at the website for Becky he did go into the studio to record nine tracks with the band—however, he is not listed with the others in the “permanent� line-up, anymore. Other sites that “ban� my writing are IMDB, which name Johnny Depp, according the CNN, the most popular actor of our time, and also Keanuweb, which I “flooded� with email, at one time, and recently banned my postings about my sobriety, which I doubt the webmaster is in! He has not given any indication of stopping drinking—and smoking—which is necessary, but he did recently attend Robert Downey, Jr.’s wedding to Susan Levin, and she apparently got him sober, after many years of drinking and drugging. He’s also taking part in the Katrina hurricane relief effort, by auctioning a “date� on-line with Winona Ryder, for their “A Scanner Darkly� premiere, but I can’t afford to bid, and I wouldn’t pay for that anyway, I don’t think.
A further “irony� about Reeves is that when I began to undergo a series of healings—starting with a soul retrieval—led by a shaman named Lenore Norrgard, I have begun to feel some “relief� from an age-old case of post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, though I’d experience other healings over the years, such as River’s spirit lifting the worst my suicidal depression last year. And “Constantine,� which came out earlier this year, is loosely based on this sort of healing, which doesn’t include movie kung fu, cursing, cross-shaped guns, electric chairs, etc. I don’t want to give him too much “credit� about this, but it’s an “irony.� To be honest about this process, I was referred to Sandra Ingerman, who trained Lenore, last November, at a hypnotherapy center in San Rafael called Positive Changes, so I was heading that way anyway, long before “Constantine� came out this year!
Lenore and I began the soul retrieval process on March 29th, this year, which was the 16th anniversary of the Oscar ceremony where River nearly won Best Supporting Actor for “Running on Empty�—and the first anniversary of the day I picked up his autopsy from the coroner’s office in LA, personally, “coincidentally.� We thought that this was an “auspicious� date for me, and I even have begun to shamanic journey on my own with her guiding me. This might be my actual "calling" to seek enlightenment as of the moment the first plane struck on September 11th, 2001, or part of it.
It is my sincere hope that the people associated with River Phoenix—whether blood relation or mere “friend�—get the help they so desperately need, as I have—at least as far as my being in sobriety is concerned—before it is “too late!� And I hope my writing has “inspired� some people to do that, already, as it may have Joaquin Phoenix, of whom I am very proud, to say the least. He too became a “muse� to me, this spring, when I wrote a poem 50 pages long or so, “Saving Joaquin,� but nothing compares to “Phoenix Rising!�
To be honest, I cannot believe how hard people have been on me, because of my revelations about River Phoenix—the healings I attribute to his spirit, and this poetry. If more were sober because of River’s OD, I might not have had this problem, for one. But more than that, the “innocence� of this poetry, the “fresh� voice I had the here doesn’t reflect the hardships of my telling people or trying to, over the past year. In recovery meetings, too, people have been hard on me. My own parents “don’t get it� for me, and that “disheartens� me! Yet, I feel compelled to “honor� this poetry, for River—and me! I cannot believe how “used� I’ve ended up feeling, too, like people don’t care about me, just my story, and they “don’t get� its meaning! They make millions of it in Hollywood, for instance, repeatedly. Warner Brothers made over a quarter of a billion dollars off “Constantine,� this year, including home viewing and the game I haven’t seen—though I did pay to see the movie in a theater, no less, after my mother wrote me—!�—and I am in debt more than I can pay, presently. Recently, Keanu was quoted as saying that the studio didn’t think the $130 million profit was “enough� to make a sequel he’d like to be in. And since I wrote Warner Brothers about everything, going so far as to “complain,� repeatedly at Marine World, which is a subsidiary, maybe the bosses are listening to me, finally! The Path of Neo video game will be released on November 15th, this year by Atari, “ironically!� How fair is that to me?
Most recently, I learned that the birthday of artist Shauna Redford—Bob’s and Lola’s first born, I believe, though they did have a child who died in infancy—is also November 15, 1960! How is that for “kismet?�

I’ve come to feel
I’m River’s “liver�—
I live because of River, for River—
that he “lives on� through me—
because he cannot live on, himself, you see,
except through others, like you and me.

I was afraid that this poem would offend somebody,
but then, it emerged anyway, for me.

I hate to think what my liver looks like, in sobriety.

The day he was autopsied was the first day of my sobriety,
November 15th, 1993—
reading this gave my sobriety date more solidity.
It’s also the Founder’s Day at the Stift Klosterneuburg,
outside Vienna, Austria—
the day the Margrav Leopold III died in 1136,
after he got a vision of the Virgin Mary,
where his wife’s wedding veil lay intact, nine years
after it blew off her face—
and he built the monastery—
near which I had my first drink at age 12 in 1973,
out with my parents at a new wine tavern—
a Heuriger—
do you believe me?

An “irony�
is that it has a winery,
unbelievably—
the website carries
a picture of a casket that people
slide down on November 15th,
every year—
I’m sure the Virgin Mary
would not be happy,
frankly.

I “found out� about all this regarding November 15th
on my return trip there—
the first in 28 years,
to revisit my father’s hometown—
and my Uncle Felix’s too.

I was stuck abroad after the terrorist attacks
of September 11th,
as my flights home via London
on Virgin Atlantic and British Airways
were canceled on the 14th.

I’ve also found out, more recently,
that November 15th was my Ömi WauWau’s,
my grandmother’s,
Leopoldina Janacek Taube’s,
(or as her friends called her, for short, Poldi’s),
Name Day—
she was named for the Margrav, indirectly—
who was later made a saint—
as many children were,
at the turn of the century!
My father told me,
on my last visit to my parents,
where they live, outside DC.

I overdosed twice myself in 93,
on lithium eskalith,
prescribed to me,
for a nervous breakdown I had in the 80s,
when a friend named Joseph Duell killed himself,
by jumping from his fifth-story window in New York City—
I was still drinking then, too, you see,
and the bottle said not to, clearly!

River’s death must have had an effect on me—
only I didn’t know this about his autopsy
for another ten years—
because I’d blocked him out of my memory
almost entirely—
his face, his films, his body, his beauty.
“He looked like Keanu Reeves, didn’t he?�
I’d say this, at one time, not so long ago,
if you’d have asked me.

“And what about his movies?
Were there any I did see?�
Yes, three, actually—
now that I read his filmography—
One was “I Love You to Death,� with Kevin Kline—
wasn’t he
“in� my nervous breakdown before he
married Phoebe?

All I could remember was River lying on the sidewalk outside a club,
dying of a OD—
the Viper Room,
owned by Johnny Depp in LA—
and they didn’t close the club?
only for a few days, at the time,
but not permanently.
Is he still drinking?
Unbelievably, apparently,
considering it’s very necessary
for him, as well as me, to be in sobriety—
he has a steady girlfriend, Vanessa Paradis,
who bore him two small children—
yet he still hasn’t married her, has he?
I've read he said they don't "need" to marry—
but how does she feel?
Does she want to marry?
Does she want him sober, as he needs to be?

I consider him to be “pivotal� to this story—
as are Gus Van Sant and John Phoenix, actually—
since it is irresponsible for him to carry on the way he is, year after year,
smoking, cursing, and partying—
didn’t he tell the press he recently “didn’t know� what recreational drinking
was, everybody?—
and he’s a father, too, obviously.

Hunter Thompson has killed himself in his own kitchen with a gun, for one.
Didn’t Depp play him in a movie,
“Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas�—
and he didn’t stop drinking?

How many times has he been arrested for conduct drunk and disorderly—
at the Mark Hotel in New York City,
a year after River OD’ed, “incidentally,�
was one of many—
Roger Daltrey had him evicted, when he
trashed the presidential suite
where Kate Moss was residing
with him, at the time, and he’s not in sobriety?
He was arrested that night, but he didn’t get a court order to be?

And Winona Ryder went into a psychiatric hospital the year River OD’ed—
and she and Johnny finally
broke off their engagement, but she didn’t get sober, did she?
Does she need to be?
I figure with a man like Depp as a fiancee,
considering,
probably—no offense, everybody!

Didn’t Warner Brothers and Plan B
release “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory�
on July 15th, this year,
the day after my 44th birthday, “ironically,�
“knowing� about me, since I’d emailed
Keanu Reeves at its site, all about November 15th, last year—
and that’s “not fair� to me!
to “use� my actual birthday in a story
about a boy in poverty,
who wins a “golden ticket� in a chocolate impresario’s contest,
starring Johnny D.,
as his friends call him, apparently,
when he’s not in sobriety,
“because of� River, like me!
And I seemed to have been about the only one, until recently!

I went to Marine World,
not visited my parents in the DC area,
for my birthday, this year—
all by myself, too, no less—
since they didn’t “invite� me—
my brother is “invited,� regularly,
and he used to “enable� me to drink and abuse drugs, everybody!
Marine World is no less a subsidiary
of Warner Brothers, and sells Willy Wonka candy.
No matter how many
times I’ve written them of my “misgivings� and how people
“related to� River should be in sobriety,
like Johnny D. and Keanu Reeves—
I can’t believe I mention them in the same line, actually—
they “don’t listen� to me.
And they hardly recycle there, either!

So, I feel like I know some of the pain of being
in Hollywood, but none of the “glory!�
When will that come for me?

Depp’s also in the mob and needs to leave,
and this has been a “revelation� I’ve been “hounded� for, repeatedly,
though it’s “not fair� to me.

I “don’t get� the negative attitude toward me
when it comes to my sobriety.
Why “perpetrate� me?
I just want what’s best for everybody, really.
My intentions are good.
Are Johnny D.’s?

Didn’t Depp have River taken outside to die that night, Halloween eve, 1993—
while playing onstage with Flea—
between Samantha Mathis and Joaquin Phoenix,
who called emergency,
from a payphone on the street,
as River lay with Rain at this side the whole time he was convulsing
on the sidewalk, shirtless, having
taken his shirt and jacket off inside the men’s room, where he
was taken to “clean up,� after throwing up from a speedball he
took earlier in the evening.
The autopsy said his body
bore abrasions from the sidewalk, everybody!
and it was Johnny Depp’s responsibility
to call emergency.
It was the combination of heroin, which becomes morphine, cocaine, and Valium, that killed River, ultimately,
in a relatively minute quantity!
An ambulance came and took him to Cedars-Sinai, where he
died in emergency at 2AM, nearly.

And Johnny Depp is rich and famous, but not me?
Where is the justice in that for me?

Didn’t he have Leo “take over� for River in three movies and with his charities?
Didn’t Leo “make fun of� people “like me,�
who’d need to know more about the OD,
all the while he was out partying in New York City,
as he was in “The Basketball Diaries?�
In which River had wanted to be?

And now I feel it’s an “irony,�
that I got a citation recently and a notice to appear
in court I’m “ignoring,�
“embarrassingly,�
for turning against a traffic sign, on my way, “ironically,�
to buy a magazine
about celebrities, featuring the many DUIs of Keanu Reeves.

I told the cop my story,
of my sobriety
“because of� River’s OD,
how the Viper Room should have been shut down, immediately—
when I mentioned Keanu Reeves’ DUIs,
and said they should have taken away his license, permanently,
he told me maybe it was, temporarily—
and the article mentioned that had happened one time he was arrested, actually.

I feel “betrayed,� obviously.

I’ve read of Keanu’s many women, including
Lynn Collins, with whom he
drank, smoked, and rode on his motorcycle, until he
left her after three months, apparently,
though she’d been in a romance with him, “Il Mare,� recently.
I confess I disapproved of their romance, since she
was in “The Merchant of Venice,�
which is anti-Semitic, though it’s Shakespeare!—
as were the “theater veterans� Jeremy Irons and Al Pacino, as Shylock—
Pacino should know better, especially,
since he was in two Sidney Lumet movies in the 70s,
and Sidney directed River in “Running on Empty,�
for which he nearly won an award from the Academy!
Didn’t Sidney get a lifetime achievement award at the ceremonies, this year?

I ended up pitying
her, a bit, since he
never stopped dating other women, then, it seemed—
he even went to England to date Brenda Davis, repeatedly.

Among other women Keanu’s been “linked to� are Diane Keaton—
though they deny this, apparently—
and they were together in a romantic movie,
Something’s Gotta Give,� in recent years.

Perhaps the most “prominent�—
among the living, at least—
of his women is Amanda DeCadenet, who seemed
to have left her husband, John Taylor, of Duran Duran, though she
had a baby
by him in the 90s—
and she is coming out with a book of photography,
Rare Birds, the cover of which is pornography!

She seemed
to have met him through Ione Skye-Leitch,
who had sex scenes with both him and River in movies in the 80s,
“most notably,� maybe,
“A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon,� which River starred in with her as teens,
though it was rated R, actually!

It was written and directed by Bill Richert, who appeared
in “My Own Private Idaho,� as Bob Pigeon, and he “never came clean!�

Keanu and she
were in “River’s Edge,� together, having sex in a public setting, after drinking,
and I find this “significant,� since the story
is about a young girl who is raped by her “boyfriend� and killed, publicly,
and this sort of thing happened to me
in the 70s—
I was molested, repeatedly,
when I ran away from my father, who was beating me,
by a man named Gary Phillips--
have you heard of him, everybody?—
only I survived to tell the story.

And wasn’t she underage during filming?
Yes, she was, if I remember correctly.

Apparently,
he bought a mansion for himself, for the first time, “recently,�
and has been remodeling all year!
I think, “Him and not me?�

I read he even used to stay in a Chateau Marmont suite, regularly,
and that’s where, in 1982, John Belushi OD’ed!

I read that recently
he stayed in a motel near
his house in the Hollywood hills—
did he?
I think that’s actually kind of “funny�—
He bought a home he doesn’t live in, permanently—
as for his many women,
“unable� to commit to anybody,
that’s also “funny,�
but that’s just me!
or is it?—
in fact, River’s voice inside told me
one day, as I was checking
a website updated daily,
that this was “hilarious,� that Keanu Reeves
was linked to about a half dozen women at once, there, simultaneously!

However, there is quite a bit of “tragedy�
Involved in all this, as you will see.

I thought I’d leave
what verses I wrote already
ahead of these,
because of the chronology
of the storytelling
in my poetry.

But this poetry is supposed to be
about River, so let me get back to what I wrote last spring,
before I became “jaded� on this journey,
with him and me,
when his spirit ran through me,
like a river into the sea.

And now I feel River’s spirit almost imperceptibly in me—
as if he needed to live on through me in sobriety—
and he’s been with me all this time, you see—
I hope I won’t even take a drink or a drug again—
would he?

No, everybody.

Then, last year, when I turned 10 in sobriety,
I “celebrated� with my friend, Jennifer Berezan,
who gave a "repeat performance"
of a concert ritual
at the Scottish Rite Temple in Oakland,
one given for charity—
among others, dolphins in the sea—
called, “Praises for the World�—
only she didn’t know the “coincidence� for me!

I’d been to Malta to visit ancient temples to the Goddess
with her and Joan Marler,
from the California Institute of Integral Studies,
back in the summer of 2000,
when I was considering getting an advanced degree
in women’s spirituality—
I still am, eventually, maybe.

Though we never did meet—
did we?—
I must have loved River eternally
to let him run through me—
don’t you agree?

Sometimes I feel
I do not have a choice—
does he?

It’s “OK� by me.
But he wasn’t a woman, was he?
The poor baby.

It’s an irony for me
to think that he might also love me endlessly,
if that can be.

So please watch me,
as I "become a river,"
the "River in me."

It’s a comfort to know that the Spirit lives on in Eternity—
don’t you agree?
A River runs through me,
doesn’t he?
No pun intended, actually.

And I’ve felt as if I should be
“embarrassed� to be
so “open� about a condition stigmatized by society—
but I'm not, and that's me.

Sometimes I think no matter what else happens, at least
I have my sobriety—
all these years,
despite uncertainty—
I cling to it,
like a rock in a stormy sea.

Despite suffering from medical malpractice,
despite being fired from my last full-time job at EDS,
many years ago,
as an editor for the Army—
because I love everyone too much to work for the military—
despite being put on academic probation
for stress at Lesley College in the 90s—
despite being diagnosed with PTSD,
a few years later, by psychology—
which I’ve had since 1973—
despite Diana, Princess of Wales and Mother Teresa dying
within days of each other—
and that was "traumatic beyond belief,"
even though I didn't know either of them, personally,
and I'm not a monarchist, at heart,
and pro-choice, too, actually—
Diana out on a date with Dodi Fayed,
chased to death, by the paparazzi—
despite becoming heavy in recovery—
and pain from a spinal injury—
being shut out of my mother’s life,
because of my father’s tyranny—
and my having been abused as a child, physically and sexually—
and my Uncle Felix’s sudden death
of a heart attack
on a tour with my Tia Melida,
in Cairo, Egypt
in the 90s.
Despite surviving the terrorist attacks of September 11th,
and the Bush “selection� in 2000,
my being depressed suicidally,
my mother’s breast cancer and treatment—
and being further shut out of her life, subsequently,
as if she was “blaming� me—
and a whole host of other things
I’d rather not go into here,
that might be “tedious� for you to hear—
I have remained in sobriety,
as if it’s the one thing I do with any “certainty�—
“knock wood,� naturally.

It happened to me,
one day, at the sea—
I was about to be a temporary secretary
for the Department of Energy,
if I don’t recall, mistakenly—
I was at a bed and breakfast at Rehoboth Beach,
near Ocean City,
walking along the beach
after brunch, where I left a mimosa half-finished, you see.

And Al Gore’s voice in my head came to me
to say he thought this “was a problem,� meaning drinking—
and I felt such relief,
realizing my mistake and deciding
to commit to sobriety.
That was November 14th, 1993,
and the next day was my first, drug and alcohol free.

Then, when I walked into a meeting of recovery,
after almost a year,
I felt Robert Redford’s spirit stand up,
as if he wanted to shake hands with me—
and I’ve felt his spirit ever since in recovery—
though he won’t answer letters I send
to that end, you see.

Among the three movies of River’s I did see before he OD’ed was “Sneakers,�
which Bob was in with Sidney Poitier, among other people—
so, when I finally “figured it out� about River’s OD
having an effect on me,
Bob’s presence in recovery
“made more sense� to me—
it wasn’t just a “coincidental meeting!�

I later read in a magazine that he too
had gotten drunk in college, “like me,�
and so I was sure I wasn’t just “feeling things,�
when I sensed his presence in sobriety!

I sent Bob a copy
of my first book of poetry,
Cherry Tree Lane,
years ago, when I was still living at Muir Beach.

Didn’t “Thirteen,�
a film made later,
by Catherine Hardwicke, using
a thirteen-year-old, in reality,
Nikki Reed,
with whom she wrote the screenplay in a “record� six days, I read recently,
bear some resemblance to my actual story from the 70s?
Either Hardwicke “stole� my story, partly,
or things haven’t changed that much for girls “like� me—
or both, possibly—
and that movie won an award for her at Sundance that year!

And I read that River was to be
in a movie
written for him and John Malkovich—
“Total Eclipse,�
which Leonardo DiCaprio “took over� for him in—
with a new director and writer, I believe,
and that, I did already see,
having had premonition dreams of Leo the previous year.

River was, according to one biography,
booked solidly until age 30—
and when he died, he was only 23.

I read he and Rain were the main breadwinners
of their large family,
from very early—
he, five, she, three—
playing guitar and singing on the streets
of Caracas, Venezuela, for money,
living in poverty,
because that was their father’s responsibility, really—
born to parents in the Children of God,
who became missionaries.

I go numb, when I think of this part of River’s history,
because it was their father, John's responsibility
to support the family.

I’ve come to want to read
all about River, to see
all his movies, and hear
his musical recordings—
he wrote many songs
he sang with his sister Rain in Aleka’s Attic,
and performed for charities.
Many recordings he
paid for independently in a studio in Gainesville,
I believe—
where are they?

Didn’t Chris Blackwell
of Island Records sign a deal?
All this, I did not know, until recently.

The CDs weren’t released, post-humously?
Apparently not, everybody.

Originally,
I wrote that I’ve come to want to see the autopsy—
which I did later obtain, personally—
and maybe
visit the grave in the cemetery, if that can be—
but his ashes, it turned out,
were scattered over the ranch he
bought his family in a little town
in Florida called Micanopy,
or so I read, recently.
I’ve also read that girls threw themselves into his grave, after his OD—
or so Joaquin was quoted at one site I read, recently,
so which is true, and can I visit, eventually?

River has, needless to say,
become part of my “favorite ancestry�—
and I’ll try not to focus too much on his death, here,
as I know that can be sad for some people, including me.

And when I wrote my book of poetry
about my life
on a lane called Cherry Tree,
people compared me to J.K. Rowlings,
the author of the Harry Potter stories
though it bore no resemblance, in reality—
other than I had not regular publisher
to market it for me—
and, at first,
neither did she.

I never did find mine—
And I couldn’t help but think
Of this story
As I passed a billboard for the second Harry Potter movie,
Set for release
On November 15th, 2002, my ninth “birthday� in sobriety.

Who has cared about me?

It’s as if time has “stood still� for me—
I’m told repeatedly
I don’t look a day past 30—
Maybe part of the reason is this “irony�—
Watch me age now, “suddenly!�
I hope that wasn’t a self-fulfilling prophecy!

River never seemed dead to me—
he always seemed
off somewhere, making a movie, maybe,
though he wasn’t really—
and now I see why more clearly.

I’ve since left the Democratic Party,
because of the death penalty
and it’s being run by corporations, you see.
But at the time River OD’ed,
I’d been in it for years.
I later learned that Aleka’s Attic played at a rally
for Clinton and Gore, in Gainesville, in 1992, and this is possibly
why I felt Gore’s spirit come to me on November 14th, 1993,
to infer I stop drinking!

Just recently,
I went to the “Hollywood retreat�
at Deer Park Monastery,
where the senior disciple,
Sister Chan Khong,
likened us to having been
in a “big river�—
and I was writing
Thay of the coincidence
of River Phoenix’s autopsy
falling on my first day of sobriety.

I have “mixed� feelings,
transcribing this here,
a year after first writing this poetry,
because I have since been rejected from yet the rains retreat
held early, last year,
and residency, after two weeks,
having been
put in a cabin with no running
water or heat,
getting sick, later residing
at Middle Hamlet, with Eliza,
who can be mean.
I was at Plum Village, which is supposed to be
for people “like� me—
“lay,� as they say in that community,
not monastic, as most are, who reside there, actually—
and I feel these people
do not care about me,
my revelations about River,
or my “calling� to be enlightened,
as of the moment the first plane struck on September 11th, 2001,
from my late Uncle Felix’s spirit,
though I was thousands of miles away in Vienna, Austria,
again, after 28 years away, revisiting.

An “irony�
about the rains retreat
was that during the time I was not allowed to reside at the monastery,
I told Thay, mentally,
in March or so,
that I’d go to Vietnam with him,
feeling that there, fewer were notice me, “ironically,�
since so that would be
attended by so many.

And that summer, he
announced he’d and his senior disciple
would go there, for the first time in 38 years,
because of exile that was illegal, too, undoubtedly!

Sobriety was not
my first step into recovery—
incest survival was—
and I’ve wanted to grow, spiritually.

And I was surprised as can be,
when I began to “be smitten� with River’s lookalike,
also 23—
David Viaforo, someone I deemed “too young� for me—
10 years later at Deer Park Monastery—
unbeknownst to me—
as I’d forgotten almost completely
what he’d looked like to me.
And I was rejected from the winter retreat,
almost entirely,
for having had “difficulties.�

It was a disappointment to me.
I had to reconcile with Thay and Sister Chan Khong, spiritually,
though they don’ know me
much yet, personally.
And they probably won’t, anymore, actually.
I don’t get the sense that will be,
no matter how good my intentions at Deer Park and Plum Village have been!

And I feel it is “unfair� to hold it against me
that I was “smitten� with someone at Deer Park—
they even held it against me at Plum Village the following year!—
at the time, a senior nun, when I returned for the creativity retreat
also confirmed my belief
that was why I’d been rejected from most of the winter retreat and residency
at the monastery in late 2003.
I’d like to feel “OK� with them all again,
and not “alienated,� as I have been, frankly,
but it might take some “doing!�

I’m not sure how Buddhist I am anymore, now, either, really,
but I like the general teachings—
I’d taken the five mindfulness trainings, repeatedly—
one of them being
a commitment not to kill, “ironically,�
since killing happens here
all the time in this country—
during war, especially.
The last time I received them being
at Plum Village, last year,
when Sister Chan Khong gave them to me, personally!

Still, I feel traditional religion may be “too patriarchal� for me—
and I’ve felt discriminated against, for having “difficulties!�

David had wanted me to live there, too, actually, in 2003.
He didn’t even “get� that I was rejected, initially—
all except Sundays, daytime, only.
He said I could come back for the month of December, possibly.

When I did come back for the creativity retreat—
Thay’s spirit would “bid� me to come in the mornings
after I finally realized the truth about River’s autopsy—
and even though, technically,
I’d been rejected for such things,
I was permitted to attend this weekend retreat,
staying at a hotel, near there—
as several monastics asked me.
David had left the monastery,
in terms of residency,
and he did, as I wrote him, initially—
though he’d received only
one letter out of three—
find a woman younger than me,
if he didn’t become a monk, as he was considering becoming
at Deer Park Monastery—
and she even looked a hit like me!

I wonder,
will this be considered “slander� by the community?
It is the truth, actually.

If only he “knew� the trouble he caused me!
What did he say about me?
We never even kissed, actually.

Not even the night before I left, when I made my way up to Solidity,
to say goodbye, properly,
and we were alone in the temple,
with an elder nicknamed Ma prostrating,
the entire time we sat meditating—
I was “amazed� at her energy!

He held the door open for me,
as we were exiting,
as he’d “invited� the bell, too, at his own behest, both before and after sitting,
and I thought how patriarchal that was for me.

Then, we “argued� about the planets—
Mars was very near that evening,
and he swore it was Venus, but I had been to the observatory
many times that summer, already,
so I knew better, actually—
even though I wasn’t a man, and never will be!
Though, I didn’t make a point of it that evening.
At my behest, we did hugging
meditation, where we held each
other for three breaths, counting silently—
my only time holding him, incidentally—
I still remember the feel of his long dark blonde hair beneath
my chin and our breathing!
That was, I think, the only time I ever touched him, actually.

I couldn’t even “use� the fact Thay fell in love with someone in the 60s—
a book was transcribed of the talk he
gave on this one year—
Cultivating the Mind of Love—
though he didn’t “act out� on that, physically, either!
Monastics, when I mentioned this fact, seemed to think he
was “different� from me, since he was the teacher!
And male, too, actually.

I confess that I feel
“vulnerable� writing of this “infatuation,� here,
since it was held against me,
and David and I both rejected one another, eventually,
anyway, didn’t we?

I can remember staying at Solidity
the first week I retreated at Deer Park that year,
where men usually stay, mostly,
though Ma does, too, actually—
since she is the mother of two monks and is in her 70s,
she is given “privilege,� so to speak.

I’d requested to stay there, since they have full baths in each room,
and there were plenty!
My injured lower back can tend to bother me,
and I just like bathing, also, due to my PTSD.

David was living near me.
One evening, shortly after arriving,
he told me,
after a talk, I believe,
introducing himself by his first name and that he was living
at “Lazy Snake,� the building in front of me.

I “resisted,� at first, wondering,
how old he was, since I’d just been
“getting over� a man named Max at Green Gulch Farm Zen Center at Muir Beach,
where I was living, at the time, actually—
and my feelings for him were held against me, there, too, incidentally!
And he was “too young� for me, since he was in his late 20s,
when we met the year I turned 40,
but that’s another story—
or is it, everybody?

Turns out he looked a bit like Leonardo DiCaprio,
and was only a few months younger, actually—
a “premonition dream� I had of him and Amma, then, told me,
but I didn’t realize this while waking,
until then, because he shaved his head, actually!

My landlady at the time wondered if I was “out� for men at these centers,
and I told her, no, I wasn’t “looking for� anything!
“Funny�—
my father used to say that to me, long ago, in the 70s, when he’d beat me.

So, I asked David how old he was, right away, wondering—
and he told me, “23.�
And, I admit, immediately,
I though how he was “too young� for me,
since I was in my early 40s!
I’m not sure he liked that “designation,� but I didn’t tell him, initially!

About a week
passed before I was “smitten,� no matter what I told myself, originally,
and the next morning, the monks, who’d said they’d meet
to discuss where I’d be staying—
they hadn’t done that, already—
told me I’d have to leave Solidity for Clarity,
as if they had ESP.

They probably do, actually.

Initially, my Uncle Felix’s voice inside, that summer, told me,
to go back to Plum Village, that year,
instead of Deer Park Monastery,
again, since Mom was getting used to the idea!
She hadn’t approved when I went for two weeks leaving May 15th, 2003,
not knowing why the “Matrix Reloaded� premiere
that day was “no coincidence� for me—
until the following year,
when I finally figured it out about River and me!
And I learned about his baby Ava being stillborn to Jennifer Syme, that year,
with whom he “broke up,� only
for her to die in a DUI, after coming
from Marilyn Manson’s mansion, after about a year!
Also dying that year were Aaliyah,
who’d been already cast and filmed, partly, as Zee,
in a plane crash;
the victims of September, 11th;
and Gloria Foster,
of a sudden heart attack,
who played the Oracle in the first two movies of that trilogy—
so that’s a lot of tragedy,
and it delayed filming for years!
Frankly,
the fight scenes remind me
a bit of my “inner conflict� with Amma, unbelievably,
ever since Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, the previous year—
and this is “reflected� in the movies,
especially the ending,
where it’s revealed
that Smith is the Oracle, really,
amidst Hindu chants, “ironically!�
What a “sad� ending,
with Trinity and Neo dying—
or is he blind, “merely?�—
while he “wins the war,� going on for 100 years,
by “submitting to her,� finally—
something I will never do, probably, in reality.
And a little Indian girl named Sati,
who comes with Seraph to meet
the Oracle—
by this time, played by Mary Alice—
who has confronted the Architect, finally—
making a sunrise for Neo, who is dead, seemingly—
but maybe not really!
He might come back we
are told, but I don’t want to see Sati
doing movie kung fu in the next sequel, frankly!

Wasn’t Sudhamani,
the girl Amma was before “incarnating,�
about that age, when she
was taken out of public school and made to cook and clean
continually,
for the extended family?

Yes, I think she was, actually.

One of her top devotees in Northern California is named Kamala, as Sati’s
mother was, in the end of the trilogy!
I wrote her daughter, Thaila, once about my “discovery,�
since this wouldn’t be their usual “fare� in movies, I believe,
being “too violent and explicit, sexually,
as it is for me—
but I never heard back from anybody!
I had to see the massive documentary
on DVD before realizing
Smith was the Oracle, ultimately—
and I’m still not quite clear about the story!
One time, at Marine World, before the Tiger Island show there,
they played the music from the second movie—
the freeway chase scene,
among other things—
and a little girl about that age
was doing movie kung fu to it, and I figured she saw the movie!
She couldn’t have been more than five, actually,
and I thought of Ava, naturally!
And she showed up again, the next week,
I believe.

I know Carrie-Anne Moss said she
was afraid of dying in that scene,
too, on a motorcycle, with the Asian man who makes keys!
reminded me
a bit of Keanu’s father, actually—
I wonder what the filmmakers mean!
And that was “good acting�
when Neo flew in CG,
to save him and Morpheus at the end of the scene!

Only, “confidentially,�
in my “inner war,� as I call it, regularly,
I use the back of an ice skate and a javelin, and it can be “gory!�
But with no blood or screaming,
sort of like a cartoon,
which can be “weird,�
and I’m “glad� the shamanism is helping me, gradually—
keep your fingers crossed for me!
FYI, I don’t have those things, actually,
because that would “frighten� me!

Then, the other day, some guy actually
rushed the stage during bhajans to stab Amma, unbelievably—
and this was just after I finished writing!
He was apprehended and arrested, apparently.
Isn’t that “frightening?�
It makes me really
question the nature of reality.
I feel “guilty�
writing this here,
for fear
someone will hold it against me.

I have since decided not to be a devotee,
but I still hope one day I can feel
“OK,� again with Amma, frankly!

And since about then, I admit, I have begun to feel
less “enmity� for her, so maybe this is “working�—
because they say she wants your anger to “transform� it, supposedly—
but with PTSD,
it can seem like an endless stream!

Maybe I’ll get “points� for honesty,
because I feel she’s
caused me
damage as well, frankly—
to my car, mostly.

Isn’t Marilyn Manson on the DVDs,
singing the theme,
wearing next to nothing?
I cannot believe
he was included this way, frankly.

Wasn’t the Architect scene
filmed during
the time Jennifer’s mother was suing—
and didn’t win her case against him, it seems?
That footage was used for an awards show at MTV,
where Justin Timberlake was Neo in the park scene—
and the Architect—
not “himself,� naturally—
was making lewd comments about Trinity?
And Gloria’s part was “satirized� in that, but she wasn’t alive, was she?

Keanu gave his permission for that, which ended up on the DVD!

Didn’t he appear
in the documentary
wearing a Viper Room jersey—
and a neck brace after surgery,
during training with Yuen Wo Ping?

Is he “crazy?�
That remains to be seen,
but, in all honesty,
it seems “clear� to me!

You know, I later read that Andy Wachowski
left his wife of many years
to marry a professional “dominatrix�—
to whom he is a sex slave, apparently!

And these movies are taken seriously
by the general media—
the Catholic Church even uses “Neo� to promote becoming a priest, unbelievably!

I bet he
wouldn’t want to hear that from me,
judging how I’m in “obscurity,� constantly,
due to “bad luck,� I guess, astrologically,
but that’s supposed to change for me—
and I keep suspecting Johnny D.,
who is in the mob and needs to leave!

And my “calling� is not taken seriously by anybody hardly, it seems, but me!

So, back to my story—
I didn’t know Mom disapproved of me
living at Plum Village—
where I would have been accepted, then, frankly—
until I got there, actually—
and I “gave in� to her, since she was undergoing breast cancer treatment, still, that year!—
I didn’t want her to “freak!�
Which was kind of me, considering she and Dad “don’t believe� in my “calling�—
or me, frankly, either.

However, I did not go back to Plum Village, that year,
and had I done so, I might never be on the path I’m now traversing,
so to speak!

FYI, I never did know that Bernardo Bertolucci
directed “Little Buddha� the year
after River OD’ed,
or that it starred Keanu Reeves
in the lead—
and I actually liked that movie—
unlike his atrocious “Last Tango in Paris,� which I also finally
did see, last year,
after “putting that off� for years—
and it’s degrading to someone like me!
In fact, I believe
that it “encouraged� violent acts towards young girls like me, indirectly,
since I suffered the worst traumas of my life in the 70s,
being beaten by my father,
and when I ran away, molested sexually by Gary,
after its release.

When I look deeply
at Keanu Reeves,
as Thay encourages, actually,
I see,
with some “irony,�
a man who must be “heartbroken,� so deeply
that he won’t talk of River—
or Ava or Jen, subsequently—
though he played at the Viper Room for years
in the bands, Dogstar and Becky,
until recently—
after I emailed, everybody—
and he “made love� to Johnny D.,
didn’t’ he,
proverbially?
And he
doesn’t keep
in touch with River’s family—
does he?
Not even Indy,
whom he’s never met,
I believe—
though he
was seen
shooting pool at a bar called the Hog Pit,
on Indy’s
first birthday, in New York City.
What is more is that he
has been drinking and smoking and taking drugs, all these years, it seems—
and nobody’s stopping him from doing that, publicly?
Where is the LAPD?

I don’t want to focus too heavily
on his problems here,
for fear
if he read this,
he might actually
throw up on me!
But he should be sober, obviously.

My fear
is he’d
just see
the “negative� in me,
too, incidentally,
since I’ve put on weight in sobriety—
not my being clean and sober all these years,
“due to� River’s OD,
which he cannot even talk about, “ironically!�—
or the fact I’ve never “fit in� anywhere, it seems,
having been discriminated against, illegally—
according to the American Disabilities Act, at least,
I believe it is illegal to discriminate against people
With PTSD, isn’t it, really?

I doubt he’d
Want to hear
It from me.

And my intentions are good, everybody!

Wasn’t he
in a movie,
“A Walk in the Clouds,� which I’ve seen, by now, repeatedly,
set in a vineyard, unbelievably,
like no one has ever read a thing about Keanu Reeves,
where they blessed even
the wine, eventually?
I could not believe
this starred Keanu Reeves,
who has a genetic propensity
to OD,
due to his father, Sam Reeves—
who was arrested for drug trafficking,
the year after River OD’ed,
and sentenced to ten years
in prison, actually,
having been released, last year, finally—
and Keanu won’t even see him, though he seems “remorseful� to me.

However, Keanu’s and Kim’s mother, Patricia, remarried
three times, after he left the family,
when they were babies,
divorcing after each—
she bore her second husband, Robert Miller,
another baby,
Karina, didn’t she?—
So I can sort of see
why Keanu wouldn’t want to see his real Dad, only
he is shutting out that side of his family,
including his grandmother from Hawaii!

But I wrote of all this in “Saving Joaquin,�
another piece of poetry,
for River’s brother,
and I don’t really
want to repeat myself here!

And while I probably
wrote of this later in these many
volumes of poetry
for River Phoenix,
I wanted to tell the story
of “Sweet November,� and that is an “irony!�

The original movie
was a favorite of mine in childhood,
with my ex-girlfriend, Susie,
who was on the brink of puberty with me,
in the early 70s,
when we saw it late, one night on TV.

We loved Sandy Dennis in this movie,
with Anthony Newley,
whom she didn’t get along with well, during filming, apparently,
though you’d never know it from the movie!

Susie “abandoned� me
many times, starting in the 70s,
after my father began to beat me,
and I was molested sexually,
when I ran away, subsequently—
I couldn’t “take� knowing her, then, actually,
because I felt she was “too fragile� to know, really,
and I didn’t tell many people,
since there is a stigma attached to that in society,
and people tend to blame me—
including my parents, incidentally,
until my mother finally
admitted it wasn’t my fault, last year!
But Susie
said that it was because I took drugs that we
went our “broke up�—
even though she’d drink and smoke with me,
and we were minors to boot, everybody!

When the remake of this movie came out four years ago,
I “noted� it, but didn’t see
it, because I didn’t want to get sentimental about Susie!

After “figuring it out� about River and me,
I “knew� this was not a “coincidence� for me,
since it is set here
in the Bay area,
and it stars Charlize Theron and Keanu Reeves!

“Ironically,�
November 17th is part of the story,
and that was Susie’s birthday—
Elton John, who was her favorite artist, then,
recorded a live album on that date in 1971,
the year she turned ten, and we
didn’t think that was a “coincidence,� either!

I’d since “gotten in touch� with Susie,
as per Thay’s teachings,
and told her “everything!�
But she’d remarried—
her third husband, Dennis Laws, to whom she
bore a son, Keegan,
this time.
Sadly,
she’d become a fundamentalist Christian,
which “broke my heart,� since she
“upheld� drinking, using
The Bible to do so, saying
God made it, therefore it must be “good,� or something!
She also “upheld� Bush, and no one I know on purpose, personally,
would do that to me!

So, I burned her latest address in the hills of Pennsylvania,
and decided not to be “friendly,�
until I saw this movie.
Then, I felt I had to write her of my sobriety
date and why it’s important, historically—
and to see
the remake with Keanu and Charlize—
but she didn’t get back to me!

It even contains a scene where Sara Deever
takes somebody else’s dogs walking at a beach—
and I loved to meet
them there, where they run of the leash
where I was living at Muir Beach,
at the time I began writing this poetry!

In it, he’s also drinking,
as is Charlize,
in the “famous� November is all I know scene,
near the ending,
which is “too graphic� for me,
frankly.

A further “irony�
is that she
throws medicine at him from a chest she’s taking—
and this is how I OD’ed, myself, twice in 1993,
before getting into sobriety,
“due to� River Phoenix’s OD.

I later read
that Keanu took his mother Patricia to the premiere,
on Valentine’s Day, 2001, which was the year
that Jennifer Syme died, “ironically,�
about a month after its release.

And Warner Brothers knew about her and the baby being stillborn Christmas Eve,
1999, yet it still insisted Keanu and Charlize
do the “early Christmas� scene,
which I don’t believe
was in the original movie!

I didn’t see the original, again, after all these years, actually,
since when I ordered it,
it didn’t come to me!

But I’d still like to see it,
since it’s a good memory—
and frankly,
the remake can be a bit “filthy,�
though I like it, too, other than that, “naturally!�

Is River trying to tell me something?

I think this was his boyfriend, no—
or am I “missing� something?
They were infatuated, at least,
and this, Keanu Reeves never discusses, publicly.

Why do write so much of Keanu Reeves?
Didn’t I dream he was “the boyfriend,� repeatedly—
but I had to wonder whose, consciously.
In one I had, I recall, specifically,
I got him and a bunch of men sober, symbolically—
we reached out to one another, as he
was “adrift� on an artificial lake, actually,
and when he grabbed my hand, he
came ashore with the rest of the men in a boat he was in, and he
told me
a he passed me
that he
was “they boyfriend� and would “spoil� me—
but has he?
No, not really.

Rather, I think he and Warner Brothers “stole� from me,
last year,
regarding “Constantine,� and things having to do with November 15th,
and they “don’t care� about me, personally!
It’s just a good story—
like they “made me up� or something!

So often, I think
that River is “playing with me�—
I can’t tell when that is happening, everybody!

But, back to my own story,
with nowhere near
as much good fortune or glory as Keanu’s or Charlize’s—
the winter retreat was being held at Deer Park Monastery
for the first time, come the first of the following year,
and in late 2003,
I wanted to be there, early!

I had asked Amma if I could go to India and get the health care I favored, then,
which was Ayurveda, and she agreed—
but I didn’t go, because of an age-old case of PTSD,
and “irrational anger,� or IA, as I call it, I was having for her,
ever since about the time my actual mother got breast cancer, everybody!

By my deductions, I believe
that Indiana August Affleck was being conceived
about the time she turned 50,
with a big conference in Kochin,
near where she is from—
September 27th, 2003—
which was about the day I met David at the monastery, “ironically!�

Incidentally,
when I was “transferred� to Clarity Hamlet at Deer Park Monastery,
that year, I grew suicidally
depressed, because of the difference in the living
conditions between where men “usually� stay and accommodations for the women.

In the morning,
I told a nun, who took time out from her busy day to listen to me,
in empathy,
to everything,
but I feel even this was held against me!

She told me that even monastics “fall� for people,
but they put those feelings “aside,� or something.
She also said how some nuns favor the accommodations at Clarity.
I didn’t, obviously.
Even Thay ended up living there, “ironically,�
as we’d transformed a house used for a temple
into his accommodations at the monastery!

He had a full bathroom, there, “ironically,�
which we women weren’t to use, as I recall, even though he
wasn’t there, then, in late 2003—
and one nun went ahead anyway, during
services, because it was “necessary!�

It was then I “knew� that we
weren’t all so sane, collectively!

In the middle of the night, I’d have to leave
my warm bed and make my way up a hill
to use the bathroom in the showerhouse there—
and I had trouble getting back to sleep—
until I took the time to go buy some valerian root recommended to me.

I even helped build the new temple at Clarity,
taking the abbess of the hamlet, whose name I’ve forgotten, momentarily,
to Home Depot, to do some shopping.
I will never forget her calm demeanor—
like an Ocean of Peace,
which the big new temple near Solidity
was named, “ironically.�
And I bet she
was glad she
was me driving,
as I could read,
and I got the kind of grout that matched what they were already using!

I envied her that placidity.
It’s why I went to Deer Park Monastery, partly—
that and to fulfill my “calling�
to seek enlightenment,
as of the moment the first plane struck,
that almost no one’s cared about but me, it seems!

Recently,
I emailed the California Institute of Integral Studies,
and someone there named Allyson Werner got back to me,
personally,
which was “nice,� considering—
and she did “took an interest� in my “calling!�

She even
replied that people
can find the women’s spirituality degree
programs there “healing,�
when I wrote her that I have “battled� PTSD for years—
and that was “encouraging� to me!

But I think I may find this shamanism I use, lately—
that taught by Sandra Ingerman—
most healing of all the things I’ve been using.

With it, I find my “retrieved�
soul parts, due to having been sexually abused as a girl, particularly,
“coming home� to me, gradually, over the year,
since I only
began to go to my shaman this spring.

When my shaman, Lenore Norrgard, lay on a rug next to me,
In her meditation room at the Durant House in Berkeley,
touching me,
shoulder-to-shoulder, toe-to-toe, after circling me,
chanting and rattling,
initially,
listening to drumming on CD,
while I lay, quietly.

I wasn’t supposed to journey, shamanically,
but be present in the room, she later told me,
since my wonderful therapist, Soonja Kim, had told me
later she’d like to be there with me,
if that could be—
and that was “kind� of her, since she costs plenty,
and she’d do that for free!

She practices psychotherapy
for “undermothered� women,
and I guess that’s me!

And after that, Lenore “blew� my “retrieved�
soul parts back into my body—
after entering non-ordinary reality—
at my crown, heart, and reproductive chakras,
and when I sat up, we shared our “journeys.�

She’d also integrated a tigress into me
to help with the soul retrieval,
and she’s lying, “calm,� waiting, apparently.

It turns out we
both met Grandmother on this journey,
and that was an “irony,�
since Alice Walker wrote of Her in her novel,
Now Is the Time to Open Your Heart,
about shamanic journeying,
as per Maria Sabina’s teachings,
about whom she’s written poetry
she read at a Mumia Abu-Jamal event in previous years.
She uses ayahuasca, which is hallucinogenic,
and I can’t do that, since I’m in sobriety!
But Someone—
Grandmother, maybe?—
must have been “listening,�
when I expressed a desire to shamanic journey,
because this is the way that “came� to me!

I’d been
at Amma’s center, talking
to a man who gave me a lift in his van, that year,
and he said he’d “journeyed� using this plant,
but I to

Ladies, I'm suprised at you. I like men with beards. It tickles when you kiss them:)
And really who wouldn't take Keanu with or without beard. He just keeps getting better.

Oh my GAWD! I must be getting grouchy in my old age, but first the name changing shit, then the petitions to get various posters off here, and now the Bastardly has a book section! I did not waste half a day reading that loooooong post, but WTF!?!? Where are all these weirdos coming from? (and I thought it was bad when the Bastardly just attracted the KKK weirdos!)
Viv, stop smoking crack and find a publisher to publish your ramblings.

HEY Vivian-Have a drink, and in case you can't read that....jkdshfkajhuyr kjrhfiwquyer ajwgruu ehruehr ekjrhqh.
That's for the little men inside your head. I'm sure it has mob rantings in there that only you can see.

mimi-It was one of those "train-wreck" kind of things, you want to look away, but just can't. Painful....

[...] Here’s two great shots of Keanu leaving Claridges hotel [from the 7th October] from this site [thanks Kweb!] [...]

Ummmmm...I was reading this and see that Tammy asked Vivian to clarify what exactly the Halloween connection was and Vivians reply was this:

*My point about the Halloween “connection� is that River OD’ed on that night in 1993, and this “blog� insults the way Keanu looks, on a normal basis*

I still don't see the connection at all. Am I missing something? WTF is she talking about?

Change of subject here :

Someone at the begining of this Keanu "Halloween " look page mentioned thinking Keanu was attractive untill he speaks.

Pray tell, what are YOU talking about ? Have you been reading a lot of claptrapping critics opinions about his way of talking etc. ?? Don't depend on them for valid ideas for one minute. Use YOUR OWN mind for the job. Too many nitwit critics are just repeating what some other critic has said and THAT critic was repeating something that someone else had said and so forth and so forth !

Keanu's voice is - well- Keanu's voice. It is not a resillient ,flexable or easily adaptable one. There are some parts he's played in his movies that work fine for that kind of voice. I thought he sounded right for the role of Shane Falco in "The Replacements". Also, he did okay in Constantine because that character was moody and his voice reflected that. A man's voice is a man's voice. Unfortunately , he cannot have plastic surgery on it.

The hatchet- wielders are always dissing him for not using his voice in a more expressive way. Do they ever stop to think that manybe it's almost physically impossible for him to change his voice ? They love to scratch untill they draw blood, those worthless bottome-feeders. Take then with a grain of salt.

As far as I'm concerned his voice is just fine. At times it sounds a little too inhibited , but otherwise, as long as he gets his point across, his voice should be accepted as much as he , himself , is accepted. That voice comes with him. Love him; love his voice.

What do you have to say about it ? I don't know where you're coming from yet.

Well, yes it is me again.

Keanu...... Because i really had a lot of thing to tell.

For poor and sick people, there is crying and crying. They not deserve to be that pain. Some country, there unlimited want is frastrated. Yes, you know, frastrated....

No matter what, i think Kiki have a really good heart, BUT how about his elastic brain. who cares....

*I'm just one of his fans in the whole world.

From so many admirer, i'm just one of those, i hope he and us will be always happy, and he is now doing a great job. But i think his acting career should keeping on, coz, people like to see him. Yeah, me too.

He is too kind............... i mean i hope he is not that kind........... do you know what i mean? eheheheh....

Well, from now on, i hope as many as people they can be well treatted.

I hope he will be good to hear that i will be find to happy to see anyone is happy to see him, dont need to be shame.

eheheheh.... funny.

who care.

natuarl sin, without sin?? fairnity. Is it correct, i understand this, i dont care.

I think every people like music, music is international lanuage, my friend told me.

Poor.......

Vivian one more comment from me.

>� River was my “main muse,� obviously, last year, and Joaquin, this year. Keanu just “happens� to come up in both pieces, because of his “unique experience� with his family.
Keanu is a focus of ~ Rivers~ they have shared many, discovered many together..and Rivers knows what will happen..to roam the outer realms is to know the future..

>� I’ve never seen anything like it–to have such “good luck� in terms of cinematic glory, on the one hand, and to suffer so much, “privately,� on the other.

This has to do with the believe of others in his person and personality…but what is insuring his success is the guidance of one spirit that helps him decide which movies/stories he should Act Out…
Actors are granted success if they fulfil their duties, as stated within these killer contracts..that actually caused the deaths of many in the movie world as well as in the music world…this success is measured by the effect the messages have on the common men, if that what the powers that be wish for the audience to believe or not to believe is established…and the audience starts acting this truth out in their daily lives.. yet when their success becomes to much, and can not be controlled no more by the powers that dictate this entertainment world, the powers that be Will ‘ create’ situations in order for the private life of the Actor to go wild and bad…people should ask themselves what was first the historical event or the movie producing this historical event…for the history of our current world..is always filmed firstly..in order to prepare the minds of the viewers..who will at a later date believe the lies coming from our system..no political power without the help of the movie world, no war successful without the movie world..Woah!

Sincerely Nymosyne

Rest of your post was a bit too deep for me atm.. but this wasn't.

" And one thing I would like to say to the people on this board, what is this programmed behaviour, complaining about his shoes? His shoes tell you exactly what sort of man he is, a man who does not like to be told what to do and hates to be pressured into things. "

I like a man who doesn't give two shits what anyone thinks, major turn on to me. So Keanu is on drugs, or an alcoholic? I didn't know that. Going to google some information on him now. I hope he doesn't piss his life away or crack up.

Holy shit, Vivian recently made a return!

Viv, go check the other post. I'm all for helping out Keanu, baby!

They don't make them anymore but whenever he wears a pair out all he has to do is jump in that phone booth and go back in time to get another pair. Like Duh Cynthia! It is EXCELLANT!

And Keanu my grandpa wants his slippers back, thanks :)

Someone please read that & do a summary of sort....

Cyn, I tried to read that novel by Vivian first thing this morning and it made no sense so I started scrolling down and was like, gees...when does this thing end? To top it off there were 2 more long posts by her after it! As if she didn't get everything she wanted to say out in the first one? I was in awe and obviously hadn't had enough coffee to deal with her comment nor could I post one in response as I (believe it or not) was speechless! I don't even know what it's about. Maybe I'll print it and read it when it's closer to bedtime in case it puts me to sleep. I will give you a summary Monday...OK?

I should have known better than to post at an abusive site
Honey, you could have posted that shit on Dr. Phil's site and he would have thought you were a psycho too. It has nothing to do with what site you posted it on.

Wow--you need help. I wrote you already I am getting it, and it helps. Where is the compassion? My mistake for looking for it, here. I am proud for surviving all I have, including these insults. My point about the Halloween "connection" is that River OD'ed on that night in 1993, and this "blog" insults the way Keanu looks, on a normal basis, which is fine, to me! I don't want to hear any more abuse from any of you. I will contact the moderator and get your posts removed from my email list! I understand you want me to get help. I am doing that, and it's working. You don't have to repeat yourselves. The fact I am is "implicit" in my poetry, isn't it? Look closely. I will go now. Goodbye and good luck, but you are insulting! :)

Wait, just for the record, Tammy recovered by 6pm Friday for two quick but effective scores on the challenger before the weekend. Just momentarily dazed with the rest of us, like a standing 8 count while caught gazing at the trainwreck. Nice recovery with the shaaman/chamois crack, Tammy.

Might be hypergraphia. In any case, I believe you Vivian, have the knack of writing.

GET OFF MY FUTURE HUBBY!!!

Vivian,

I never said that I didn't feel sympathetic to your view. I understand you have a problem and it is great that you are getting help. But, and I emphasize BUT, this isn't the place to get the help you need.

This is a site to "rag" on celebrities. Once in a while someone has a positive comment.

As someone else said, "Keep it light."

Arya, love your name ;)

(and yes, I know I'm being immature--its called humor! SO don't send me to the Richard Sandark-or whatever-post.) LOL
Love for Keanu!

Have you seen oily Bum in a suit, aka Justin Timberlake, lately? We have a whole new era of celebrites that need to be hosed down, possibly given a Silkwood scrub down. What is with not shaving every day? Nothing says repulsive like a scraggly beard.

I just took a shower, but after looking at that photo I feel like I need another one. He looks and probably smells like the guy that digs through my recycling bin.